Presenting the Next (Oh, My God) Governor of Arizona

One of the following charlatans will be the next governor of Arizona:

David Hinchcliffe: He's the double-domed thinker who introduced the resolution at the state Republican convention declaring this a Christian nation. He'd be perfect for a state packed to the borders with right-wing crazies.

Jim Brock: The ASU baseball coach is one of the great crybabies and self-promoters of the world. As such, he'd flourish in a situation where he could call press conferences and bully people who didn't bend to his every wish.

Jim Skelly: A former New York City bartender and avowed right winger and roundhead. He's long been an advocate of carrying concealed weapons. Once in office, Skelly would assure rash action. He might even call out the Arizona National Guard and have it burn all the abortion clinics in the state to the ground.

Leslie Whiting Johnson: I love a lady with a big hat and a tiny brain.

Wayne Stump: With Stump in charge, Arizona could finally fulfill its destiny as the looniest state in the Union.

Jane Hull: She's rash and opinionated enough to step in tomorrow and run Iran's death squads. No-nonsense approach. Once seriously advocated turning off all the air conditioning in Arizona prisons.

Evan Mecham: Memories are made of things like this.

Nancy Wessel: The state's most ridiculous female legislator.

Jerry Colangelo: He's already demonstrated he can run the city council. Why not give him a shot at the state legislature?

Gary Nelson: A former attorney general and disgraced lawyer, Nelson had the chutzpah this past year to apply for a vacancy on the Arizona Supreme Court. Why not try for the big one?

Jack Londen: The single biggest buffoon in the state, Londen would be a perfect choice to carry on a Mecham-style autocracy.

Eldon Rudd: Known as "Congressman Fudd" during his days in Washington. After ten totally undistinguished years in Congress, he left with better than $100,000 in campaign funds, which he was allowed to keep. He draws better than $50,000 a year in congressional pension plus additional pensions from the FBI and the Marine Corps.

Bob Corbin: Since Corbin would be packing his own concealed weapon, we could save funds by cutting down on the security detail protecting him. Besides, he's already been lobbying for the job more than a dozen years.

J. Fife Symington III: One of the great con men ever to hit the state. Do you remember all those ads proclaiming the wonders of his Camelback Esplanade? How do you like the traffic now? And what good does the Ritz-Carlton hotel actually do for you?

Rose Mofford: She has accomplished absolutely nothing during her time as governor. But it has been such a relief to have a do-nothing governor that she might just get elected.

Armand Verdone: Have you seen the Saab TV commercials in which Verdone simpers onto the screen to tell you what a wonderful car he's selling? Verdone has supplanted Lou Grubb as the state's sleaziest car dealer come to life. Verdone would make a classic Arizona governor.

Dr. Ted Diethrich: He loves the limelight. If he became governor, he could stop buying space to get his picture in the papers.

Burton Barr: He was the darling of the liquor lobby and every other special interest during all those years he ran the state legislature. Recently, Barr's been an adviser to Terry Goddard, which is another example of the fox guarding the henhouse.

Hawley Atkinson: For years he was a powerhouse as the most obstreperous member of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors. The last time Atkinson was in power, he gave away a $4 million bridge. We need a man with imagination and a sense of daring.

John Rhodes: Why not one more go-around for good ol' Johnny? Before Rhodes left Congress he'd become one of the richest men in the House. He had stock holdings in 28 companies and partnerships in five others. He held stock in AT&T, Coca-Cola, Exxon, General Motors, and General Electric. His retirement benefits from Congress pay him $50,000 a year and a sweetheart deal as a lobbyist pays still another $60,000.

Burt Kruglick: The chairman of the state Republican party is one of the most pathetic political hacks ever to adorn the state's political scene. A race between him and Sam Goddard is something we all deserve.

John McCain: The junior senator is an opportunist of historic dimensions. Moved to Arizona on the advice of his pal John Tower to snare an easy congressional seat. For him, coming back as governor would be a letdown.

Richard Mallery: Power broker from Snell and Wilmer law firm. In recent years, Mallery has kept behind the scenes. But he has his fingers on some people's pulses and on a few others' throats.

Terry Goddard: A total failure as mayor and a classic yuppie con man. With Goddard as governor, the slick money boys would have as big a field day on a statewide basis as they've had on Central Avenue. Charles Harris: He's been athletic director at Arizona State four years now. The football program is stagnant, the basketball program is a shambles and the track program is nonexistent. If you can survive a record like that, politics would be a cinch.

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