By New Times
By Connor Radnovich
By Robrt L. Pela and Amy Silverman
By Ray Stern
By Keegan Hamilton
By Matthew Hendley
By Monica Alonzo
By Monica Alonzo
Long ago, in a bathroom not very far away, the leaders of the Rebel Alliance--led by the heroic Luke Skywalker--planned their next attack against the evil Galactic Tub Toys in an adventure that would become known as . . . THE EMPIRE GETS WET
An All-Star Sci-Fi Action Fantasy with dialogue, music and sound effects improvised by a four-year-old boy during a bath
(Theme music: Dum-DUM, duh-duh-dee-DUM-dum . . . )
LUKE: Hey! C'mon, you guys! Let's find Darth Vader!
REBEL: Oh, noooo! Here comes the mean robots! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (Explosions, gunfire.) AHHHHHH!
LUKE: Are you dead?
REBEL: I don't think so. Look! Here comes Han Solo! (More explosions.) AHHHHHH! Now I'm dead.
LUKE: Han! Watch out! A pterodactyl is coming to get us!
REBEL TWO: AHHHHHH!
HAN: Where's Princess Leia?
LUKE: I dunno. She's in here somewhere. I can't see through all these bubbles. We'd better go under water! Dive! Dive! (Explosions.)
REBELS THREE and FOUR: AHHHHHH!
HAN: Okay. We're in the Millenium Falcon now. Ready for takeoff. Ten, nine, four, seven . . . Look out! Here comes a . . . a . . . umm . . . here comes E.T.! (Explosions.)
REBEL FIVE: AHHHHHH!
LUKE: And Roger Rabbit, too!
ROGER: Let's get those guys!
HAN: Okay! (Machine-gun fire.)
HAN: E.T.! Put your magic finger on Roger to make him better!
E.T.: Okay. Bzzzzt! You're better now.
E.T.: You're welcome. Run! It's Tyrannosaurus rex!
REX: ARGHHHHHH!!! I'm gonna eat you! (Chomping noises.)
LUKE: He ate Roger and E.T.! Touch yourself, E.T.!
E.T.: Okay. Bzzzzt! There. I'm not dead anymore. Thanks.
LUKE: You're welcome. (Explosions.) The Tyrannosaurus rex is dead. Don't touch him, E.T., or he'll be alive again.
LUKE: Oh, no! You touched him!
E.T.: It was an accident!
HAN: Luke is dead.
LUKE: No, I'm not. He missed me. Hey! Where's King Kong?
KING KONG: Over here!
REX: Let's fight, okay?
KING KONG: Okay.
BOTH: ARGHHHHHH! (Explosions, gunfire.)
KING KONG: I won the fight!
KING KONG: You're welcome.
HAN: Look! There's Darth Vader!
DARTH VADER: Ha ha ha ha! I will fight you with my light sword! (Explosions, gunfire.)
REBELS SIX through THIRTY-NINE: AHHHHHH! . . . SUPERBOY: Don't worry. I'm Superboy. I'll get Darth Vader. (Explosions, screaming.) There. He's dead.
SUPERBOY: You're welcome.
E.T.: Don't worry, Darth Vader. I'll touch you with my magic finger. Bzzzzt!
DARTH VADER: Thanks.
E.T.: You're welcome. Are you gonna be nice, now?
DARTH VADER: Yeah.
LUKE: Good. C'mon, men! Let's go!