Let's Get Blitzed!

Several failing auto dealerships desperate for player endorsements by dumb-but-studly jock types. Several failing home builders desperate for player endorsements from holier-than-thou family-man types.

Huge numbers of chiropractors eager to work on somebody besides cranky retirees. Large population of homeless mental patients willing to form booster club. Lots of drive-through liquor stores. Political climate perfect for draft picks from BYU. U.S. senators willing to "go to bat" for prominent constituents against federal bureaucrats attempting to dismantle the NFL's antitrust status. Divorce attorneys galore!

Offensive linemen can find steady work as "before" models in liposuction ads. Oxygenated fuel available for practice-field lawn mowers. Local Fox affiliate might be persuaded to protect cornerbacks by blacking out America's Most Wanted during season. Saguaro forests located nearby for tackling practice. Regular all-you-can-eat shrimp specials at Sizzler. Players recovering from drug addiction can ogle gold-digging wives while working at fancy uptown supermarkets.

Team jockstraps can be sold at Park 'n' Swap as macrame-like hanging plant holders.

Thriving anabolic steroids black market in local high schools. Caesar's sports book just fifty minutes away via America West. Local economy is bound to improve. No superconducting supercollider to vie for attention of fans.

Plenty of big parking lots for tailgate parties. Team comptroller can "invest" pension fund at local social gambling clubs. Christmas traffic at airport will discourage assistant coaches from defecting to other teams before end of season. Large supply of 976 numbers for scouting department to call while "working the phones" on draft day.

Players can stay in touch with "how chicks think" via Cathryn Ramin columns in the Arizona Republic. Summer climate ideal for players' off-season weight-reducing.

Hundreds of fledgling heavy-metal musicians for players to ridicule while intoxicated in public. Very lax civic attitude toward stupid, vicious dogs. Local females really "go" for guys who drive flashy cars. Tubing! Tubing! Tubing!

Stadium zoning not a problem as long as you plan to locate in residential neighborhood. Merlin Olsen can visit flower gardens on Baseline Road.

World Wrestling Federation will share mailing list for season-ticket drive. Mere physical presence of Tom Fitzpatrick will keep Brent Musburger in New York studios.