By Ray Stern
By Ray Stern
By New Times
By Amy Silverman
By Stephen Lemons
By Stephen Lemons
By Monica Alonzo
By Chris Parker
If you have any teens at home, let's hope they can't read or are much brighter than Dr. Dad.
Q: My boyfriend calls me old-fashioned. Is it wrong for me to want sex only during marriage?
A: Yes, it is wrong. You should wait at least until after the reception.
Q: How can you tell a guy that you don't want to go out with him without hurting his feelings?
A: Introduce him to someone prettier and easier than yourself.
Q: Does a man's, er, um, well, ahhh, you know, size have anything to do with his partner's sexual satisfaction? A: The experts are split fifty/fifty on this one. The male experts say no, the female experts say yes.
Q: I'm afraid that my girlfriend likes me for my car. How can I get her to like me for me?
A: Give yourself a wax job and hang a pair of fuzzy dice around your neck. Maybe that will help.
Q: True or false? I've heard a girl can get pregnant just by swimming in a pool.
A: A pool of what?
Q: What's the difference between liking someone and loving someone?
A: When you like someone, the relationship can evolve into a beautiful friendship that lasts a lifetime.
When you love someone, the relationship can evolve into a beautiful marriage that lasts until you catch the lying, unfaithful pig cheating on you, at which point you haul him into court, legally destroy his life, turn your family and friends against him, and spend the rest of your days referring to "my ex-scumbag" as you scour dingy singles bars for another man just like him.
Q: How does withdrawal work?
A: Like this. The boy makes a promise, the girl believes him and the boy denies that the child is his.
Q: What is the best method of birth control for girls?
A: None is foolproof, but the most effective method known to sex educators is for young women to restrict their dating to fellows who are nicknamed "Quasimodo," "Elephant Boy" or "Mary."
Pls add 6pts air here. Thx, KimM.
Q: Everyone tells me that my steady is "after one thing and one thing only." What would that be?
A: A girlfriend with half a brain.
Q: How can you tell if a girl will go out with you?
A: You can get a clue from the way she acts toward you. Does she seem to enjoy talking with you? Is she friendly? If so, she no doubt pities you--but certainly not to the point where she'd risk her reputation by being seen in public with an unaggressive, unconfident wimp like yourself.
On the other hand, if she sticks her finger down her throat and makes gagging noises whenever you enter the room, she's clearly playing hard to get and can't wait for you to ask her out in front of all her friends.
In romance, body language is everything.
Q: Is it okay to go out with more than one person at a time?
A: Yes, if your car is big enough.
Q: How can you tell when a person is homosexual?
A: There are countless misguided souls who believe you can tell a person's sexual preferences by his or her appearance, gait, speech or choice of dance partners. Well, forget those old, ridiculous stereotypes. There are only two ways to know for sure: when they tell you, and when they ask to be buried with their Judy Garland albums.
Q: Is it true certain sexual acts can cause blindness?
A: Only if done correctly. Or with a fork.
Q: I'm an extremely geeky-looking fourteen-year-old boy. But I'm certain girls my age are much more interested in personality, manners and intelligence than physical appearance. What do you think?
A: I think that if you send me any more of these crank letters, I'm gonna sic the postal authorities on you, but fast.
Q: Is it true that, somewhere in America, a teen-ager contracts some form of venereal disease every six minutes?
A: Yes. That would be Elvis Menken of Grand Rapids, Michigan. And he's getting awfully tired of it.