By Monica Alonzo
By Stephen Lemons
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Dulce Paloma Baltazar Pedraza
By Ray Stern
By Pete Kotz
By Monica Alonzo
By New Times
THE KID ZONE KATALOGUE Unique mail-order gifts for the wee tyke who has everything--including parents with a fistful of credit cards and no self-restraint.
MUSICAL DIAPER ALARM. Is baby dry? Wet? Messy? Eliminate the guesswork with this computerized, fully electric Musical Diaper Alarm. Child's status is signaled automatically by the tunes "Sea of Love," "Big Muddy," and "River Deep, Mountain High."
Includes AC/DC and automobile adapters. Weight: 1 lb. 9 oz. BYR63 $34.95 ppd.
PEE-WEE DENTURES. After nine long months in the womb and the trauma of birth, your newest family member has really worked up an appetite! So don't say "Welcome to my world" by offering a bottle of bland, lukewarm baby formula. With a set of these sturdy, skid-resistant choppers, your ravenous offspring can chow down on everything from taffy and JuJuBes to corn on the cob and T-bone steaks!
Colors: Whiter-than-white, yellow, brown, camouflage. Weight: 6 lbs. RFN22 $79.95 ppd.
PREGNANCY-TRAINING POUCH. For women who want to know in advance if they'd enjoy the late stages of pregnancy, this bulky, strap-on Naugahyde pouch affords valuable practice. Wearer can even experience lifelike fetal movement when a small, angry monkey is placed in the handy zip top (optional).
Weight: 25 lbs. CUI93 $24.95.
TASTEE-BLANKET. It's 2 a.m. Your infant is screaming for a late-night snack. What do you do? Well, you roll over and return to dreamland if you happen to be among the millions of wise, well-rested parents who've discovered the Tastee-Blanket. A hand-woven blend of nylon and freeze-dried, vitamin-fortified taste treats, it's warm, comfy and scrumptious!
PLASTIC EXPLOSIVES. Junior's in the tub with his plastic boats, his plastic submarines, his plastic frogmen. Liven up the lad's high-seas fantasy with our real, low-impact Plastic Explosives! Manufactured to U.S. military specifications.
Includes pump-type detonator and ear plugs. Weight: 25 lbs. OAE67 $7,999.95 ppd.
KIDDIE FEEDBAG. Busy moms and dads can now take the muss, fuss and frustration out of mealtime. When empty, all-canvas bag may be worn over the youngster's head until you get around to hosing the lasagna off his face.
Performs double-duty for bulimic children. Washable. Weight: 2 lbs. 5 oz. YTK71 $34.95 ppd.
DEEPSLEEP CRIB. Even the crankiest infant will nod off the minute you tuck him into this patience saver! Baby's weight on the inflatable, ether-filled mattress will release enough gas through the adjustable valves to knock him out for your choice of three, eight or twelve hours.
Includes refillable ether tank and gas mask for hyperactive children. Weight: 16 lbs. KGD51 $399.95
BABY BOTTLE GUM-BLACKENER. Everyone loves a good practical joke. Why shouldn't baby get in on the fun as well? At feeding time, hand your unsuspecting cherub this one-of-a-kind novelty item--and get ready for gut-busting hilarity!
Mildly toxic. Weight: 8 oz. LUW34 $14.95
SOOPER SCOOPER. The choice is yours. You can spend a mint on disposable dydies; waste precious hours of life washing, boiling and ironing cloth diapers; or let 'em run nekkid and use our patented, veterinarian-approved Sooper Scooper to shovel up their boo-boos in seconds . . . when you damned well feel like it!
Three scoop sizes: small, medium and ill. Weight: 2 lbs. NDI47 $19.95 ppd.
THREE "LAZY" GOLDFISH. Kids love goldfish. But the sight of their once-lively pets floating at the top of the aquarium can be an emotionally scarring experience. That's why our Three "Lazy" Goldfish--Sleepy, Snoozey, and Dozey--are so popular. They're dead when we ship them to you! Of course, your child doesn't know that. As far as he or she will be concerned, these are three very lazy (and unusually tidy) goldfish! Includes lifetime supply of "invisible" goldfish food. Colors: gold, off-gold, greenish-gold, greenish-black, black. Weight: 10 oz. VHJ19 $9.95 ppd.
RAT RUG. Fed up with insensitive louts who refer to your hairless newborn as "Cueball," "Chrome Dome," and "Kojak"? Slap one of these thick, stylish toupees on Li'l Skinhead and the wise guys will shut up but fast. Made of 100 percent human hair and easily installed with Elmer's Glue-All, it's guaranteed to stay put and look good during hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and tantrums.
Colors: black, blond, brunette, redhead and silver fox (recommended for extra-wrinkly babies). Machine washable, stain resistant. Weight: 4 lbs. 8 oz. MLX15 $29.95 ppd.