By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
By Derek Askey
So you've already forked over $26 to give little Brittany the night of her life at the New Kids on the Block concert. Mistake No. 1, blithely ignorant parent.
If you're smart, and you pay attention to the following handy-dandy (and utterly phantasmagorical) guide to the telltale signs of impending perdition, NKOTB-style, shelling out 26 bucks is the least of your worries. There will, however, be those misbegotten moms 'n' dads who let their beloved offspring attend the New Kids on the Block concert. And from the minute they kiss the kiddes bye-bye in the Compton Terrace parking lot Sunday, they'll realize they should've heeded New Times' friendly advice to lock up little Brit in her New Kids-paraphernalia-decked room, far, far away from Donnie "Satan" Wahlberg. Remember, a grounded New Kids on the Block fan is a happy and secure New Kids on the Block fan. Here's why: If you're not a heavy-metal fan, your drive to Compton Terrace to drop off your prepubescent Kids-fanatic likely will be your first to this Chandler concert venue. The drive to Compton Terrace is legendary for its unique traffic setup, whereby all drivers traveling are required to spend an average of 48 hours sucking bumper-to-bumper fumes in the event of a sellout concert, which the New Kids on the Block show is. Dizziness or hallucinations may result, but those benefits don't even begin to compensate for the negative consequences--namely frivolous waste of gas. Let's face it: With Hussein in a constant hissy-fit these days, needlessly belching out car exhaust in the Compton Terrace parking lot is more than just poor energy conservation. It's un-American.
We're not saying the New Kids on the Block concert will be as violent as your average heavy-metal show. Donnie "Ozzy" Wahlberg, for instance, has never bitten off the head of a bat onstage. And no one has ever slam-danced, stage-dived or moshed at a New Kids show. Don't let that lull you into a false sense of security. These Beantown brawlers, whose homeboys include Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Rocky Marciano, are not above solving disputes with hand-to-hand combat. In a recent incident, Donnie "Sean Penn" Wahlberg allegedly poked someone in the eye in the confusion of an aeronautical game of musical chairs. So you think it's cute that the New Kids sport earrings? Oh, if their ears were the only parts of their bodies they pierced. But, in fact, Donnie "Bonet" Wahlberg has a stud lodged in one of his nostrils. We, of course, don't object to the concept of nose rings, nor to the concept of nipple rings, which is the next part of the anatomy which nose-ringed kids tend to pierce. The problem is your friendly neighborhood Earring-A-Rama generally won't pierce nostrils. That means your child, in an effort to emulate Donnie "Lenny Kravitz" Wahlberg, will need to borrow the car keys without your permission for a trip to the all-night tattoo parlor, where a guy generally will push a knitting needle through a nostril for free, as long as the piercee doesn't tell anyone. Luckily, you can remedy the situation simply by shredding your child's copy of People, on which cover-boy Wahlberg so proudly displays his nasal jewelry.
Do New Kids on the Block encourage the consumption of illegal drugs? Well, the group does perform a reggae song on its new album. We, of course, don't object to reggae or the Rastafarian message often contained in its music. Reggae, however, leads to dreadlocks. Dreadlocks lead to what's known as "spliff" or "ganja" smoking or what's more commonly known as marijuana smoking. Here's what to look for: red, puffy eyes, the introduction of words like "irie," "Jah," and "Ziggy rules!" into your child's vocabulary, and a sudden interest in the debate over legalizing "spliffs."
Do New Kids on the Block encourage adultery? A wildly revisionist history suggests that during the uncertain days surrounding the start-up of the group in the early Seventies, happily married Donnie "Egg Man" Wahlberg left his childhood sweetheart, a Boston performance artist, for a wild fling out on the Coast with one May Pang. After lunching one day with Pang and teen idol David Cassidy, Wahlberg flew into a jealous rage, according to Albert Goldman's book The Lives of Donnie Wahlberg. "You flirted with David Cassidy," Goldman quotes Wahlberg as telling Pang. "I always knew you would cheat on me, and now I have the proof! Don't you know who I am? I'm Donnie Wahlberg!" Throughout this unfocused time, according to the book, Wahlberg proved himself to be an uncontrollable debaucher, routinely getting bounced out of bars after scrapping with patrons. Rock 'n' roll historians refer to this as "Wahlberg's Lost Weekend." Wahlberg, a whimpering shadow of his former self, eventually returned with his tail between his legs to Boston and his patient wife. They plan to record an autobiographical album titled Double Fantasy to document this unfortunate period.
Do New Kids on the Block inspire sexual arousal? After a lengthy investigation, the New York Times concluded that a New Kids concert "does have a dose of sexual suggestion." Leave it to the Times to understate the obvious. Spin went backstage at one of the group's shows to witness New Kid Danny Wood greeting a line-up of girls. "No screams accompany these personal encounters, but there are plenty of damp panties and moist eyes," was that magazine's conclusion.