By Ray Stern
By Ray Stern
By New Times
By Amy Silverman
By Stephen Lemons
By Stephen Lemons
By Monica Alonzo
By Chris Parker
1. Mike Ditka is God.
2. And He is available--if not immediately, then eventually.
Joe Bugel is a nice guy. But you know what they say about nice guys. To paraphrase whoever said it first, nice guys tend to blame a lot of close losses on poor officiating and repeatedly finish 4-12.
We've had enough with the nice guys, Bill. Ditka--football coach, pork chop purveyor, tough guy, God--has grown beyond his job as coach of the Chicago Bears and is ready for a new challenge. Turning the woeful Cardinals into a winning team is just about the greatest challenge in pro football today. There is but one man for the job, and his name rhymes with, um . . . well . . . Ditka. It rhymes with Ditka. Rhyming is for pussies, anyway.
Following is a long list of incontrovertible reasons Mike Ditka should be made coach of the Cardinals. Following that is a simple method by which football fans and Ditka enthusiasts can let their voices be heard by team management. It's called the Pork Chop Poll, and you can read all about it at the bottom of the page.
First, though, you should study the following 60 reasons you should like Mike like we like Mike.
¨Ditka's real family name is Dyzcko, which rhymes with disco.
¨Ditka, an outspoken, right-wing Christian, would be a prime candidate for East Valley political posts.
¨Ditka grew up in Pennsylvania--just like Frank Kush.
¨Ditka will need a large restaurant-bar complex to own and operate. How does the name Mike Ditka's Mercado strike you?
¨When Ditka kills a couple of groundskeepers, turf problems at Sun Devil Stadium will end.
¨Finally, somebody to keep Barry Goldwater in line.
¨Ditka will become "best buddies" with J.D. Hayworth, then punch him out.
¨Ditka will give the million or so resettled Chicago-area residents something to talk about besides the Bears, Cubs, Bulls, Blackhawks and White Sox.
¨Ditka's dad worked in a steel mill--just like Frank Kush's dad.
¨Ditka hates Philadelphia--and, hey, the Eagles are in our division!
¨Ditka once owned a bowling alley.
¨Cap'n Dave might come out of retirement to cover the team.
¨Team merchandise sales--now the worst in the league--will be revived by a new line of stuff printed with "Da Cards" logo.
¨Phoenix is the perfect place for tough guys with bad attitudes to be reborn. See "Barkley, Charles."
¨Everybody who's sick of Charles Barkley could follow Ditka's everyday utterances in a new Arizona Republic sports-page feature, The Ditka Detail.
¨Like many local residents, Ditka is divorced.
¨Ditka, of Ukrainian descent, is fond of offensive, self-deprecating ethnic nicknames, such as "Ukie--just like Frank "The Punishing Polack" Kush.
¨Arizona Republic sports columnists will generically be referred to as "The Pus Heads."
¨Ditka would have no problem with beating the shit out of any of Bill Bidwill's sons, or, for that matter, Bill Bidwill himself.
¨Johnny Johnson will play every snap and become a media darling, or else.
¨Ditka would force J. Fife Symington III to grow eyebrows. Ditka also will use his welcoming press conference to counsel the governor to "knock it off with the babes, Fife."
¨Ditka will go through pampered quarterbacks like Spinal Tap goes through drummers.
¨Noted football fan and jock-sniffer Ted Diethrich could provide free cardiac care for the coach.
¨Sideline ball boys will get pink slips, because that's Larry Wilson's job now.
¨Ditka once threw clipboards a lot--just like Frank Kush.
¨What's red and white and has a drawing of a bird on it? It's the Osborn School District's new student uniform.
¨R&G publisher Dan Quayle will have a golfing buddy--and intellectual mentor.
¨Ditka would make ASU basketball coach Bill Frieder seem comparatively sane.
¨If Ditka gets the job, Jerry Glanville won't.
¨Tom Fitzpatrick will get to write: "You are Mike Ditka, and your nose is running . . ."
¨Finally, somebody will actually want to arm wrestle Tom Freestone.
¨Fans who cheer for the opposing team during games will be forced to have their heads shaved on Ditka's weekly TV show.
¨One stadium skybox will be held open for use by refugees of strife in war-torn eastern Europe.
¨The prospect of a looming Ditka political career will make local elected officials straighten up and fly right.
¨Pots, schmots: All public art will have to be cleared in advance by Ditka.
¨Like many local residents, Ditka has been popped for drunk driving.
¨If John Mistler spouts a single cliché, it'll be 50 pushups for the whole broadcast crew.
¨Ditka would hire Frank Kush as management's player-relations ombudsman.
¨We'll get a new paid state holiday: Grabowski Day!
¨A Ditka presence, combined with the glut of local topless bars, will attract many studly free agents.
¨The Phoenix area will glean mucho national exposure from repeated Saturday Night Live skits.
¨Sinéad O'Connor will not get near the public address system at National Anthem time.
¨Dick Butkus will be hired as director of media relations; Cards immediately trade for Chuck Cecil.
¨Old-fashioned barbers will make a big comeback; Ditka will put a bounty on Scottsdale waiters with ponytails.