By Ray Stern
By New Times
By Amy Silverman
By Stephen Lemons
By Stephen Lemons
By Monica Alonzo
By Chris Parker
By New Times
"Na na hey hey kiss them goodbye!"
That's the public's overwhelming advice to "Mr. X," a two-timing Casanova whose true-life love plight was revealed in the June 1 issue of New Times (Love's Savage Spreadsheet").
Mr. X's romantic dither came to light after New Times obtained the original copy of a widely distributed love spreadsheet he'd accidentally left behind on an airplane. On a piece of accounting paper, the monumentally bad speller explicitly catalogued the various pros and cons of two women with whom he was apparently carrying on simultaneous affairs.
Should Mr. X choose the yuppie-ish "Brenda" (all names have been changed), whose many materialistic pros (great body," "nice cars," "wealth") are counterbalanced by an even lengthier litany of cons, a list that includes a "strange mouth," "hard boobs," "psyphillus [sic] in vagina" and, last but not least, a husband and child?
Or will he find eternal happiness with cute-but-vain "Dominique," a dentally challenged shrew who's lousy in bed? "Oh, please!" wrote John McMahon of Phoenix, one of nearly 50 readers who responded to the "Choosing for Mr. X" poll that accompanied the original story. "Get this guy a shrink and a dictionary! He deserves 'psyphillus'!"
McMahon's sentiments mirrored those of practically everyone else who participated in the poll. Asked to select between "Brenda" and "Dominique," four out of five respondents checked "Other." "These women are already cursed with bad teeth and VD," observed one anonymous counselor. "They don't need him."
Below, more commentary from our romance experts:
ù "Mr. X belongs with Dominique--someone who's selfish, vain, inconsiderate and terrible in bed, no doubt just like him."
ù "Dominique has a seven-plus pro-to-con factor . . . Brenda appears to be a STD [sexually transmitted disease] time bomb."
ù "I've got experience (many years) in things like this. Dump them both--or suffer."
ù "He is not worthy of either woman."
ù "I recommend counseling and perhaps evening classes so he can get his GED. This guy doesn't deserve Rex the dog."
ù "The three of them should have a m‚nage … trois."
ù "Any woman who's Catholic, having an affair, has an apparently untreated case of syphilis, had a boob job, etc., deserves this guy. . . . By the way, it takes two to have great sex."
ù "Who the hell would want him??? I think he is an egotistical bastard who thinks he is God himself. If it were me, I wouldn't give him the time of day."
ù "Maybe he should develop a better relationship with his hand! No one else could stand him!"
ù "Are you sure Mr. X isn't a congressman?"
So, there you have it. We wash our hands of Mr. X and his schizophrenic libido. However, if anyone out there ever discovers the true identities of Mr. X, "Brenda" and "Dominique," tell them Geraldo called.