This just in: The Flash has reason to believe that the new baseball stadium will be named Bank One Stadium or something similar. The Flash has reason to believe that Bank One will pay the team--not the county, mind you--$2 million the first year, with that sum increasing by 5 percent each year for 30 years. The Flash has reason to believe that while the taxpayers shell out $238 mil for the stadium, the DiamondBanks will suck in $128 million from Bank One over the life of the contract.
The Flash also has reason to believe that every homer hit by the DiamondBanks shall be called "A Bank One Boomer" by the broadcasters (also partners in the team).
You've got to hand it to Jerry Colangelo. No, really. You've literally got to hand it to him. With deals like this lined up, it's no wonder that a few days before the franchise was awarded, Colangelo was quoted as saying: "I am sitting here calm, casual, somewhat like an expectant father. . . ."
Geez, Jer. You know what that means. Somebody got fucked.
Fangs for Your Support
Now that the DiamondBanks are a reality, the press boosterism and plundering of the public can begin in earnest.
Snakes alive! Who could keep track of all the special sections those objective DiamondBank investors at the Republic and the Gazette papered the state with? How about the Republic incorporating the team's fork-tongued "A" logo into its Page One headline? Now that's great journalism. And the Gazette proclaimed in a Front Page headline, "We're a cowtown no more!" Nosiree. Now we're a crotch-scratchin', tobaccy-spittin' town!
Journalism 101 professors to R&G writers with a shred of pride remaining: You're doing PR, and it's embarrassing.
Shoot to Ventilate
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You're dead.
Rudy Valentino Buchanan certainly is. He was hit an estimated 30 times when Phoenix's finest fired 89 rounds at him. There's no doubt that the gangbanger known as Rude Dog had a death wish. He fired several rounds from a shotgun and then pointed the gun toward the cops.
There is also no doubt that Buchanan was overkilled: 89 gunshots from 13 officers--6.8 rounds per officer. A police report indicates that one officer fired his Glock 9mm pistol 16 times. Two other cops, one of them a woman, fired 13 times apiece.
Buchanan had entry wounds on the soles of his feet.
Fife's Ol' Ball & Chain
Punishment expert Colonel Sam Lewis as the next gubernatorial special assistant? State Department of Corrections sources tell The Flash it could happen.
Lewis, a former state police bigwig, has run roughshod over administrative rules at DOC, often landing the department in court, in indefensible positions. With the GOP legislature running amok and the mainstream press wetting itself to do Fife's bidding, the governor might think the time is right to establish a special tactics unit. Colonel Sam would add some genuine meanness to the crew of sissy-boy wonks. Look out, Grant Woods.
Call the FlashLine at 229-8486, or fax Flashes at 340-8806. Flashes' on-line number will appear just as soon as we figure out this superinformationhighwayshit.
