By Amy Silverman
By Olivia LaVecchia
By Monica Alonzo and Stephen Lemons
By Chris Parker
By Michael Lacey
By Weston Phippen
"You know that [endangered] fish in Arizona?" the friend had just asked.
"You mean the razorback sucker?" Hayworth answered as his own straight man.
"Yeah, there's two razorback suckers on Pennsylvania Avenue who are really endangered," the friend said, chortling. "They ought to be gone by 1996."
But no Arizona elected official could hold a candle to the Texas lawyer Floy Lilley, who had a dictionary worth of brownspeak definitions:
The bald eagle, which used to be a proud symbol of this great country--until someone realized it was an endangered species--became "a vulture with an attitude." The White House is "the student union--in need of adult supervision" and presided over by "Queen Hillary." The EPA stands for "Emergency Planet Actors"; the ozone layer is "the Bozone layer"; the Third World, "the Turd World"; and any federal regulator, a "Kingfish."
To leave 'em laughin', Lilley ended her speech with three "quotes," which she projected onto a ten-foot-high screen in case anyone had forgotten their spectacles or their hearing aids:
"Five thousand years ago, Moses said, 'Pick up your shovel, pack your camel, move your ass and I will lead you to the Promised Land.'
"Five thousand years later, FDR said, 'Sell your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land.'
"Now the federal government will take your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass and give away the Promised Land.