By Melissa Fossum
By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
BM: Okay, then, lay it on me.
TN: Here's how it works--I got a guy named Michael Lutz. He was the songwriter, bass player and vocalist for Brownsville Station. He knows how to get the fiber, the shitkickers' blood and guts of the Ted Nugent Byrdland guitar, which I'm using exclusively on this album. Not exclusively, I got a couple PRSs in here, but the bottom line is I wish I had the tape to play you right now, Bob, 'cuz if you are truly a fan of sexy, dynamic, Ted Nugent rock 'n' roll, you're gonna shit blood when you hear this new one. It's called The Spirit of the Wild. St. Holmes is singin' his ass off, I'm singing my ass off, the fuckin' guitars are so rich, it's unnatural.
BM: I'm gonna be on you on this one.
TN: Cool. Like it matters to my life? (Laughs) But the bottom line is, uh, I believe in this record. I believed in all the records.
BM: You didn't believe in Damn--
TN: Absolutely, I believe more--the Damn Yankees, I believe--
BM: Is Damn Yankees broken up, or on hold, or--
TN: The Damn Yankees--shut the fuck up, Bob--the Damn Yankees I believed in or they couldn't have hired me. They couldn't have paid enough. The whole concept was mine!
BM: What was up with you acting like a priest at the end of that video?
TN: I thought that was cute. You don't get it.
BM: (Laughs) I get it! It was so obvious, it was like one of those freeway signs with a blinking arrow--of course I got it!
TN: You must have lost your dick in a terrible traffic accident! But at any rate, Bob, wait 'til the record comes out. I think you're gonna dig the shit out of it. We've once again focused on the fiber and the meat of the hollow-body guitars that are my signature. It sounds so good, the music is so fuckin' vital.
BM: Okay, cool. I believe you.
TN: I know where your question's coming from. Like the song "Little Miss Dangerous" is one of the best songs I've ever written, but the guitars sounded like nasal problems. It was such a letdown.
BM: But you gotta--
TN: All right, I do, but, Bob, you gotta realize: I'm a creator, man. I am so enthusiastic about what I do that I don't check my mascara before orgasm. I can't go (whiny voice): "Wait a minute, can we go over those details?" Fuck the details.
BM: Last time I talked to you, you were running the bow-and-arrow adventures over in South Africa, and, as I understand it, you yourself did not actually own the land in South Africa.
TN: No, but I'd love to. Right now I probably wouldn't love to, the way those assholes are doing it over there.
BM: You wouldn't feel any compunction about the system over there! Do you think apartheid is okay?
TN: Well, first of all, Bob, do you know what apartheid is? Apartheid was developed bythe British government many years ago--
BM: Thought it was a union thing, actually.
TN: Right, because the Incatha and the Zulus and the different tribes would kill each other when they worked together. You know that, don't you?
BM: It also has to do with the Afrikaners not wanting the cheap labor in order to prop up their inflated wages, like all other--
TN: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who doesn't want cheap labor? I mean, have you ever heard of NAFTA?
BM: What is your stand on NAFTA?
TN: I don't even know what the fuck it means!
BM: Yeah, you do!
TN: No, I don't! All I know is that it breaks down the barriers--
BM: You don't like Mexicans coming into America?
TN: I don't believe in free borders when they come over here and fuck things up and when--
BM: Fuck things up? They do jobs you wouldn't do! That you wouldn't even let your son do--
TN: Wait a minute.
BM: Like wash dishes and shit!
TN: Fuck you with your fuckin' little ... hippie fuckin' clothes! (Grabs Bob's Rasta-colored sweater)
BM: Hippie clothes? You're the fuckin' hippie with long hair!
TN: I've busted more hippies than you even knew existed.
BM: What's your stand on NAFTA?
TN: When was the last time you shoveled dog shit?
BM: When I was 13 years old.
TN: Well, I did it two days ago, so fuck you!
BM: I don't have a dog!
TN: That figures, you don't fuckin' love animals!
BM: I live in a shoebox! I wouldn't be so cruel as to have one!
TN: Oh, yeah, here's your dead animal, asshole! (Grabs Bob's leather shoulder bag and hits Bob over the head with it)
BM: I don't give a shit about dead animals, motherfucker!
(Ted's publicist enters and demands that they settle down)
TN: (To his publicist) He's so out of touch. This is a lesson in reality. (To Bob) You're in denial.
BM: Denial, my ass! You're not answering my fucking question!
TN: What's your question?
BM: Your stand on NAFTA, number one!
TN: Fuck! I don't know! What does NAFTA have to do with my music?