Bedtime for Gonzo

The last Ted Nugent interview you'll ever have to read

BM: It has a lot to do with your music! You sell your music to a bunch of reactionary assholes!

TN: Like you? You bought this! (Grabs Bob's copy of Ted Nugent and laughs uproariously)

BM: For a dollar in the cutout bin!
Publicist: Excuse me one second! Hello! Time out! I have a photographer here [who] is going to shoot some photos. Bob, about five minutes, we've got to get Ted going.

BM: All right.
(Grand Royal photographer Carmelo comes in)
TN: Oooh, it looks like Bob's own personal professional cameraman!
BM: You're damn right!

TN: He's about as professional as you are. Wait a minute! Has this guy got a green card? (Laughs)

BM: He happens to be a Native American, Ted.
TN: Fuckin'-a, man, then you know what the words "blood brother" mean. You know what the word "spiritual" means, don'cha?

Carmelo: Hell, yeah.
TN: Yeah, before bingo and whiskey, you guys were all right.
BM: Ohhh, Jesus! So, Ted, what's really going on? Now that you're like Mr. Clean, no drugs, no alcohol--

TN: Wait a minute! I've never done--What's this, now I'm Mr. Clean? I've never smoked a joint in my fuckin' life, Bob.

BM: Now you say that, but--
TN: I never drank, I never did any of that shit.
BM: What about that picture of you at Studio 54 with Truman Capote and Andy Warhol?

TN: That was cute.
BM: You were hanging out with Truman Capote and you weren't on drugs?
TN: They needed me. Bob, are you calling me a liar?
BM: No, I'm asking you pointblank!

TN: I've never smoked a joint in my life. I've never had a cigarette to my lips in my life. I was raised a hunter. I learned to respect my surroundings and, in order to respect your surroundings, you've gotta be cognizant of how you fit in. And you can't do that when you compromise your God-given senses.

BM: Are you going into politics?
TN: I've been prodded in that direction, but--
BM: Of course you have. Just answer the question.

TN: I don't think I can take the hunting season off. As I have with my whole life, I will follow my instincts.

BM: So what are you gonna do next?
TN: I can tell you exactly what's going on right up until the year 2000. It's very exciting.

BM: Okay, let us in on it.
TN: Well, '95 is gonna be the Ted Nugent Band in heat on America's leg--of course, hunting seasons are off. I do a PBS special, I got my camp for kids, and then I expect by January of '96 I will get back together with the Damn Yankees and see if the chemistry flows between us. But I'm sure the Ted Nugent album I'm coming out with now, The Spirit of the Wild--

BM: Is it coming out on CBS?
TN: Atlantic. And y'know what? I'll hold you to something, cocksucker. Here (gives Bob his card), you call me at that number after you hear my--

BM: Send me a tape!
TN: Shit, you'll buy it!
BM: Bullshit!
TN: Discount-bin weenie!
BM: C'mon, man! I'm standing up for you. Everyone else has written you off.
TN: Umm, I will ...
BM: You're lucky to have a guy like me!

TN: ... send you one, 'cuz you will shit blood. This time will be real. It won't be HIV-positive, either.

Carmelo: Shit blood?

In the end, the Nuge was still the undisputed champ, though, as we were leaving, he grudgingly gave us the props when hefound out Bob's mom was from Boonville, Missouri. The next day, Ted leftBob a message at the office: "Graaand Royal. Bob Mack! Yah ha hah ha! Hey, yo, Mack-burger, this is Tedley, your favorite whiteguy. Give me a call at the Westwood Marquis at your earliest convenience andlet's live it up beyond your wildest. You'll be looking at life through tunnel vision, but, in your case, I think it's a flavorstraw. W-w-wow! Live it up! You want a Beastie Boy? I got your beastie boy right here!"

After halfheartedly attempting to return this breathtakingly peculiar message, we figured we'd hear back from "Tedley" soon enough, either when we published and/or when he released his album--both of which were supposed to occur soon after our battle royal. Fortunately, Ted fell almost as behind schedule as we did and only recently unveiled Spirit of the Wild, which, to be fair, ain't half bad. Not that it had me searching for hemoglobin in my stool, but certain cuts, especially the James Brown-styled "I Shoot Back" and the Chuck Dean chestnut "Primitive Man," are more game than lame in their efforts to offset the predictably preposterous standard Nuge dreck like the Dr. Demento-ish "Kiss My Ass" and other duds like the ode to his dead bowhunting mentor "Fred Bear." Needless to say, we'd like to think that the album's delayed release and surprisingly fresh contents had at least something to do with Ted considering some of the points we brought up.

Ted Nugent is scheduled to perform on Friday, January 26, at Celebrity Theatre. Showtime is 8p.m.

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