Trouble in Paradise

The Oasis brothers (Noel and Liam Gallagher) indulge in a spot of gin-and-tonic-stoked, sibling-on-sibling bickering

LG: What the fuck were the Pistols, then?
NG: Who's talking about the Sex Pistols?
LG: They're the best fuckin' rock 'n' roll band that ever came out. Or one of 'em.

NG: They're not. They made one album.
JH: Would the Stones have done anything without getting arrested and getting people's backs up?

LG: Would they, fuck! That's why they were so good!
NG: (Superindignant) What? 'Cause they got arrested? Because the Rolling Stones got arrested they were a great rock 'n' roll band? Fuck off! Bullshit! Bullshit!

LG: But they had summat else there . . .
NG: They had what? An edge? Is that what you're saying?
LG: A life, you dickhead.
NG: We've got a life! We've got a life!

LG: We haven't if you start going on like that. (Begins to mince up and down bedroom.) Do you want to walk around like that? Like that?

NG: Not at all . . .
LG: (Still mincing) And get on your stage and go like that . . .
NG: Not at all. You think it's rock 'n' roll to get thrown off a ferry, and it's not.

LG: I don't think it's rock 'n' roll.
NG: That was your quote, you prick! It's rock 'n' roooolll! It's rock 'n' rooool!

LG: I was laughing about it. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm into it. Now I'm out of that cell and I got out of that piss bucket. I laugh about it and I think, "Yeah, fuckin' good, man." It happened. That was reality, mate.

NG: We're not a bunch of boxers. Are we? The band is about music. It's not about getting thrown off fuckin' ferries. (Exasperated) Why don't you go downstairs and smash the bar up and say you're the singer of Oasis?

LG: 'Cause I don't want to. If I did, there's nothing would stop me.
NG: Then why don't you go and make a scene, then? Why don't you do a Keith Richards? Throw the TV out of the window!

LG: I don't want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that and do it. But I don't want to do that. I'm not about that.

NG: What are you about?
LG: I'm about being . . . I'm about going down the fuckin'. . . I'm about . . . (takes long slug of gin and tonic) That's what I'm about.

NG: Right. That's what you're about. I'm talking about our band here.
LG: That's what I'm talking about.
NG: No you're not. You're talking about you. Our band is about tunes. He's just said, 70 percent of what people are writing about is the music. Right. I'll take the 70 percent. The 30 percent, you can go and fuckin' blow it.

LG: Sit down, man. Sit down. You're getting into a state. You've had too many G&Ts. Sit the fuck down.

NG: The thing is, you're not a spokesman for the band.
LG: Are you?
NG: Yeah, I am.

LG: You might be in your little world, but as far as I'm concerned, if you think what I'm saying is bullshit, I think what you're saying is fuckin' bullshit, man.

NG: Fine. You don't speak for the band.
LG: You don't speak for the band.
NG: I do speak for the band.

LG: I speak for the band. I'm speaking now for the band. And I'm into it. I'm into all that fuckin' shit. (Referring to Noel) He's teetotal. He's a fuckin' priest. He was born to be a priest.

NG: No. The difference is, I don't get caught.
LG: So what you're trying to say, right, what you're trying to say . . . you're trying to say that I'm out in a pub, yeah, I have a few beers, yeah, a situation arises and I'm supposed to go like that (makes suitably effeminate gesture)?

NG: What pub? Where?
LG: Anywhere! The boat is the same thing.
NG: It isn't! 'Cause you're with Oasis! You're with the band!

LG: Nah, nah, nah. There's no rules. Show me the rulebook. 'Cause if you've got a rulebook, what you're saying is complete and utter fuckin' (picks up tape recorder and holds it to mouth) bloooarskybluh!

NG: You walk into hotel foyers, and you get everybody at it and you go "Psssst." Knocking on people's doors . . .

LG: I'm having the crack. It's not doing anyone any harm. That's me. John Lennon used to fuckin' burn about, doing little mad things.

NG: Do you know John Lennon?
LG: Do you know him?
NG: I don't, but do you?
LG: Yeah.
NG: Well, you must be pretty old. How old are you? 21?
LG: No. About fuckin' thousand and five fuckin' one.
NG: You're 22.
LG: I'm 21.

NG: Right. And remember, I watched you being born, and I don't even know John Lennon. So shut the fuck up about knowing John Lennon.

LG: Well, what are you trying to say, then? You want us to be teetotal and walk around and go like that (more mincing)?

NG: Music! Music! Music! Music! Music! It's about music!
LG: You want to be Keith Richards. Admit it.
NG: Let's talk about music. Let's not talk about you being a hard guy. Let's talk about music! Let's talk about music!

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