Well, Excuuuuuuuuuse Me

Thursday, July 3
Dear Diary: I couldn't agree with Dowd more. On the news tonight he called that dummy banker a stooge for Shingler. I did think he looked like Moe. I'm so excited about tomorrow. Chuck told me on the ride home today he had special Independence Day plans for me. Bean burros and jalapenos.

Friday, July 4
Dear Diary: What a wild day! Chuck took me for a ride on his estate plane to Lake Powell. He's such a nice guy. His friend Jay and a bunch of people from a place called Sumitomo met us there and we all sang patriotic songs into the night. All the guys on the plane wore funny earplugs and carried guns in their socks. Chuck says they are protecting me from media jackals. Ribs.

Tuesday, July 8
Dear Diary: Ms. Proctor talked in her sleek little business suit with her cute little bangs covering her eyes, which are probably shifty. She even carried a calculator in that custom handbag. And knew how to use it. Ms. Proctor, just because you're young, beautiful and intelligent doesn't mean I don't see through your lyin' like a rug. I've been around the pike. Chuck warned me about you. Catfish.

Wednesday, July 9
Dear Diary: She's back. Tums.

Thursday, July 10
Dear Diary: Mr. Eaton from the union tension funds was on the stand talking about how his company gave Fife money because they thought he was rich. Isn't that just the way it always works? The only people who can get $10 million Mercado loans are the ones who don't need it. Of course, because of Fife's Arizona missions, he really wasn't as rich as Eaton thought. Caveat Emptor, pinko boy. Kipper snacks.

I saw on the news tonight that Dowd walloped that Dogerty reporter and busted his tape recorder. Maybe tomorrow Dowd will get Shingler down and sit on him. If I ever get in trouble with the law, Mr. Dowd will be my lawyer.

Friday, July 11
Dear Diary: That Mr. Eaton claimed Fife used his political muscle to threaten the union tension funds if they foreclosed on the Mercado. What good is political muscle if you're not going to flex it? The unions are just getting back at Fife because his great-grandfather, Henry Frick, was a big steel baron. Fife's got his genes, if not his pigmentation. Pancakes.

Tuesday, July 15
Dear Diary: Today, this bank guy told us why he never called the cops about Fife after the deal at the Mercado fell through. Talk about a stupid man. They expect us to believe that Fife committed some kind of crime and this stick-in-the-mud bank man just kept his trap shut? Taco.

Wednesday, July 16
Dear Diary: That Wong woman was back on. She obviously had a thing for Fife at one time. She started crying like a little baby when she read Fife's letter to her about being the best friend anyone could ever have. Does that sound like a criminal to you? Fettuccini alfredo.

Thursday, July 17
Dear Diary: The government finished its case today. FINALLY! The club sandwich was soggy.

Friday, July 18
Dear Diary: Today was the most interesting day of the trial so far. The defense finally got to call some of their people. The guy who testified today, Todd, told us that Fife was doing everything he could to fill up the Mercado, but the bankers wouldn't let him. Makes sense. I went to the Mercado today for lunch. It was closed. Got a hotdog from a street vendor.

Tuesday, July 22
Dear Diary: I can't remember anything about court except that fancy boy Shingler's zipper was down all day and nobody told him. Three martinis.

Chuck came by again. He says Fife is going to talk tomorrow, and made a joke, "If Fife shows grit, you must acquit."

Wednesday, July 23
Dear Diary: I nearly swooned when Fife swore on the Bible. I think it was the same Bible he used at his inauguration. I remember when he was running for governor against that weird Phoenix attorney--Godheart or something like that. Anyway, Fife talked about his business and that he would run government like he runs his business. Salisbury steak.

Thursday, July 24
Dear Diary: I stayed awake for the WHOLE session today. Fife kept looking at me when he was testifying. I kept thinking about Barry Young on KFYI. I picture myself, Barry and Fife talking at the studio after the trial and Fife's all happy and shining like a Teutonic knight. Barry asks me if I think Fife is cute. I giggle like a schoolgirl and say yes. He says I'm blushing. I say I'm an old lady. Fife puts his arm around me and says, "No, Mary Jane. You're just a lady." A bag of corn nuts.

Friday, July 25
Dear Diary: The government got cross with Fife today. It was funny when he spilled his water and got flustered. The people in the audience were hooting at some of his answers. Philistines! I did notice that Fife might have some problems with his memory. Maybe I'll refer him to doctor what's-his-face who's always worrying about my memory. Fife kept telling Shingler to refresh his memory. I think he's got the early signs. Macaroni and cheese.

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