The Be-All, Trend-All

By my reckoning, it would take about 10 hours of shopping to work off the effects of the chicken-fried chicken. Meat loaf is partially redeemed once you dip it in barbecue sauce. But nothing can help the congealed mashed potatoes and greasy, undercooked vegetables that come with it. The kitchen couldn't ruin the hamburger. But it could ruin the accompanying limp, lukewarm waffle fries. Only the chicken salad, spruced up with rice noodles, toasted sesame seeds, scallions and carrot, rose to the level of passable.

We all agreed desserts are the best thing here. Maybe that's because we didn't eat them here. My group of teenagers begged me to leave--even they couldn't put up with Rainforest Cafe's nonstop, stomach-churning assault on the senses. In the peace, quiet and comfort of my own home, we enjoyed the coconut bread pudding, banana cheesecake and chocolate cake. On further reflection, maybe we enjoyed them so much because, after almost four hours at Arizona Mills and the Rainforest Cafe, we were finally home.

In ancient Rome, the masses were amused and mollified by bread and circuses. Today, the masses settle for the likes of Arizona Mills and the Rainforest Cafe. So much for progress.

Sesame-crusted oysters
$8.50
Quail with egg noodles
16.95
Mandarin beef tenderloin
18.50
Banana spring rolls
5.95

Rainforest Cafe:
Chicken salad
$9.99
Kalahari Safari Pot Pie
9.99
Congo Mogambo
12.99
Coconut bread pudding
4.99