Just when we think Arizona legislators have become the biggest sluts imaginable, along comes word of another corporate gang bang. Consequently, the Flash has learned never to underestimate our lawmakers' capacity to give state tax dollars to private interests--funds that are replaced in the state budget by the toil of hardworking taxpayers across this great state.
Our legislative visionaries for years defied the Supreme Court's order that public schools be adequately funded. Yet these idjets have no compunction about putting out for the development pimps who want to build stadiums, arenas, theme parks, museums and any other erections that strike their fancies. We're talking about places where trust funders can be entertained.
The state House of Representatives has voted to allow the developers of a proposed "theme park" of museums, headquartered in the marble mausoleum that is the Scottsdale Galleria, to pocket, say, $300 million in sales taxes generated by the project to pay for the project. In other words, it's a Ponzi scheme.
Farther south, a move to bulldoze Los Arcos Mall and build a new arena for the Phoenix Peyotes would hijack additional money from the state budget. Still farther south, the Rio Salado Crossing project would be the madame of all corporate welfare brothels.
In the case of the Galleria, a development group hopes to create something called the "Museum of Progress" there. A more fitting title would be "Museum of Excess," featuring busts of such noted Arizona criminals/developers/financiers as J. Fife Symington III, Charles Keating and Conley Wolfswinkel.
Last week, the Smithsonian Institution instructed Scottsdale Bimbo, er, Mayor Sam Campana to stop using its name as the centerpiece for the museum/theme park.
J. Michael Carrigan, director of affiliations for the Smithsonian, says Campana and other city officials have dropped the Smithsonian's decidedly dense name inappropriately.
"We have repeatedly requested that they stop using the name, and, after a while, you have to wonder whether it's not better to just pull the affiliation," Carrigan told a Valley broadsheet.
He called Governor Jane Hull and told her, "We are in no part connected with this waterfront project or anything else. . . ."
"In a reasonable world, you ask folks to stop using your name and your reputation, and you expect that that will be followed. And for whatever reason, it seems to fall on deaf ears in that area."
The Smithsonian has signed a "memorandum of understanding" with the Museum of Progress, agreeing to lend the city objects from its collection, the use of the Smithsonian name and consultants. But the institution never promised to be part of the "theme park."
That's a shame. The possibilities for titles seem endless:
Six Flags Over the Smithsonian.
Smithsonian Berry Farm.
Smithsonian Astrophysical Dome.
Pirates of the Galleria.
Incorporating a Flintstones theme, the Smithstonian.
The Wonderful World of Artifacts.
It's a Mall World.
National Air & Space Mountain Museum.
National (Going) Postal Museum.
Camp(ana) Snoopy.
Drinkwater World.
Raiders of the Lost Budget.
Fantasy Land.
Slash Mountain.
Pay Tomorrowland.
Magic Mountain of Debt.
Tilt-A-Smith.
And, this Strobe's personal favorite, Commercial Space Available.
Ascent of a Woman?
The Press Release of the Week award goes to female impersonator Celia Putty (a.k.a. Richard Black), who plans to raise money for an upcoming gay pride festival by scaling Squaw Peak--in full drag.
Well, almost full drag. Anticipating the question that's on everyone's mind, Putty says she'll be sporting boots instead of heels.
"It's far too dangerous to wear heels--before noon," explains Putty during a private press conference with herself.
Plus, "I wouldn't want to sprain an ankle and have to be airlifted off the mountain. My [birdseed] breasts are much too heavy for that. Besides, I needed a good reason to buy a new pair of shoes."
Putty, who's scheduled to climb the mountain March 28 as part of a gay pride fund raiser, has already picked out her hiking regalia.
"I'll be wearing my favorite black mini," says the brunette dazzler, "and clean, color-coordinated panties for when I get to the steep parts and everyone is staring up at me. That's always been a fantasy of mine."
Enjoy yourself, Celia. It's all downhill from there.
Punch Drunk
The following item appeared in the March 16 New York Post:
It seems GOP presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain would rather beat his rivals in the ring than at the polls. At the Lewis-Holyfield fiasco, the Arizona pol sat a few seats away from Disney boss Michael Eisner. During a lull in the action, Eisner screamed out to McCain: "Hey John, why don't you get [Texas Gov. George W.] Bush up there in the ring and get it over with?" McCain, a big fight fan and co-sponsor of the Muhammad Ali Boxing Reform Act, shot back: "I'd whup him in 30 seconds and that would be the end of it."
Factual Abduction
The Flash cringed at the thought of last Saturday's anniversary of the Phoenix Lights and what local media mo-rons might do with it. For the most part, the Valley's mass UFO sighting has lost most of its steam as a news story after plausible explanations for what was seen the night of March 13, 1997, were described in both New Times and the Arizona Republic: that high-flying jet planes, possibly A-10s, caused the 8:30 p.m. V-shape of lights, and that flares on the Air Force gunnery range southwest of the city were responsible for a 10 p.m. string of lights.
Such explanations are still resisted by many, but no hard evidence has come forward in the past year to refute them.
True to form, however, local television and radio outlets couldn't resist the temptation to suggest that the Lights are still a complete mystery.
But for complete boneheadedness, the Mesa Tribune took first place with a dishonest story that was, unfortunately, picked up by the Associated Press. Readers around the country were told by writer Kevin McKeehan that "two years after Valley residents saw a mysterious V-shaped object in Arizona skies, no one has any idea what it could have been."
Reform's Cool
Remember the old KNXV-TV Channel 15? In 1995 and 1996, the station's newscast was brand-new and gaining audience fast. That's because it didn't look like all the others. Hyperkinetic editing, spacy graphics and jumpy cameramen gave it the look; a dedication to long, investigative pieces gave it credibility.
Reporters who worked there described it as a news nirvana, and before long it had gained a reputation nationally for a place that took newsgathering seriously.
But second place wasn't good enough for owner Scripps Howard and general manager Brad Nilsen. They brought in a hatchet man from Orlando, Michael Kronley, who within months turned Channel 15 into a bland imitation of everything else that sucks about local television news. Live spots from the crash of the day; mindless emphasis on blood and guts; gee-whiz reporters.
Suddenly, however, the old Channel 15 appears to be back. Kronley is gone, and the station is once again doing more serious news and emphasizing investigative pieces. Even anchor-babe Robin Sewell seems to be taking her job more seriously. What gives?
An employee at the station tells the Flash that new news director Bob Morford deserves the credit: "He's a resurrector. He brings stations back from the dead."
Newsroom morale is rising, says the employee, but he adds that it's not lost on the old-timers that the station had to suffer through two years of mediocrity before realizing that its original format made more sense. In that time, the station has lost audience.
"We have a new broadcast and a new building. But does that get us our audience back? No. We'll have to earn it," says the employee.
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