Panacea Tranquility

Anyway--once the intuitively guided, $100-per-hour session was complete--Gerard took me outside by the creek and broke out The Back Hammer, a black, hair-dryer-looking thing with a vibrating rubber ball that fires from the business end 13.5 times a second. I've seen similar devices for sale at Castle Boutique, but Gerard assured me The Back Hammer was designed by a NASA engineer.

The feather in Gerard's hair wavered in the wind as she fired up The Hammer and attacked the knots around my spine, forcing me to spew motorboat noises. I again cursed the faceless, three-pieced profiteers of United Health Care, and fantasized of hiring Gerard to give them a good dose of The Hammer--right where they've been shoving my premiums.

Contact David Holthouse at his online address: dholthouse@newtimes.com