From now on I'm going to try to make the best out of the rest of the year. I've been through too much to mess up the rest of the year. I never been through so much in one year. It has been the worst year of my life. Hopefully with a bigger effort of mine, a little help of Allen [DeGraffenreid] to help keep me on track, and some help from teachers too I'll think I'll make it through the rest of the year.
3/25/99 Life is a bi*@h then you die. I have so much anger inside of me. Sometimes I feel like exploding on the world. It seems like the whole world is against me. I can't wait to leave this stupid school to try to start all over at high school. I know things will be much different in high school. I've said this so many times I don't know why these people are against me. I've never done anything that bad for them to treat me so unfairly. This is the way I am and probably will always be. I don't think of myself as a bad person. I think more of myself a regular Joe, but that's life, I guess. I guess I'll try to live with it.
4/8/99 I got caught with a smoking pipe at school last Friday, but you already know that, Ms. Meyer. The whole damn school knows. The pipe wasn't mine. I was holding it for a friend. I don't blame him even though he told me to hold it for him. I'll take the whole blame. I was stupid enough to bring it to school and I was stupid enough to hold it for him. It's funny though, because every time I get in trouble it always seems to happen at the end of the day right when school is about to be out. Now the school and staff think I'm a pothead, but I'm not a pothead. Anybody who is criticizing me can go straight to hell because they ain't sh*t compared to me, piece of trash punks.
4/20/99 I'm finally back in class from my suspension after 3 long weeks. It's been a good day until Allen [DeGraffenreid] came and tried to get crazy with me. I have nothing against the brother because he has been good to me, but when he tried to get crazy with me when he don't even know what's going on in my life it's different. He says he knows where I'm coming from but he doesn't. I don't think he sees drugs almost every day pass right before his eyes. He don't live in the gutter. I do. I live in the gutter. I see drugs pass right before my eyes all the time. I put up with bullsh*t every fu*@en day. I just want to get through this year with no more problems, no more bull, but some people just want to keep fu*@ing with me.
4/28/99 One time I felt alone was a while back when I was having a lot of problems. I felt like nobody was there with me. . . . It's not a good feeling. It makes you mad. But it makes you realize that there's so many people that say they're your friends but they're really hypocrites. It also makes you less afraid of the world. You have less fears and feelings. They say I have a bad attitude, but I didn't just wake up with one. People help give you a bad attitude.
