A Snob's Guide to Rock 'n' Roll

Mehr: (continues reading) ". . . a song about how his faith and belief in a higher power have delivered him again and again from his tribulations. Like a prayer, the song is completely intimate. There are no excuses made, or even attempts to convert his audience. Just a glimpse into his soul's intentions."

Dominic: So they don't even mention Christopher Cross?

Mike Gorman

Sample king Puff Daddy praying at the altar of MOR godhead Christopher Cross.

Three angry snobs are we: New Times' unholy critical trinity. From left, Bob Mehr, Serene Dominic, Bill Blake.

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Mehr: No, but he is credited as one of the writers of the song. It's credited to S. Combs, M. Winans and C. Cross.

Blake: Oh, yeah, C. Cross in the house.

Dominic: He's the original Chris Cross, but he can't wear his clothes backward because he's too fat.

Blake: It's so Middle of the Road, it makes me want to puke. Now I have to live through MOR all over again. Dear God (looking upward, shaking his fist), isn't once enough?

Dominic: Well, at least Puff Daddy didn't sample "Think of Laura."

Mehr: That's something.

Dominic: Enough-Daddy, that's what they should call him. What's the name of this album, "Puff-Piece"?

Mehr: No, actually it's called Forever.

Dominic: That's because it goes on forever.

Blake: Yeah, the song is eternal.

Dean Martin
"Everybody Loves Somebody"
As a final treat, the snobs were given a chance to listen and comment on a rarely heard version of Dean Martin's 1964 hit as it appears on the newly issued Late at Night With Dean Martin.

Dominic: This is great. This is the version that was on Dream With Dean -- it was billed as the "intimate Dean Martin album." It doesn't have any of those overwrought strings or the "young Caucasian" back-up singers screwing it up.

Mehr: And listen to how his voice breaks. I've never heard that. He usually just glides through all his songs.

Dominic: Or sleepwalks through them like his old variety show.

Mehr: Or one of his celebrity roasts.

Dominic: Fortunately, Foster Brooks can't fuck this song up with one of his lame routines.

Mehr: Blake, you've been pretty quiet. What do you think of old Dino?

Blake: (looking genuinely excited) This guinea can sing!

Dominic: Yeah, it's doo-wop, without the doo.