A Snob's Guide to Rock 'n' Roll

New Times' unholy critical trinity come down from their snooty perch to stop and sneer at the latest musical offerings

Mehr: (continues reading) ". . . a song about how his faith and belief in a higher power have delivered him again and again from his tribulations. Like a prayer, the song is completely intimate. There are no excuses made, or even attempts to convert his audience. Just a glimpse into his soul's intentions."

Dominic: So they don't even mention Christopher Cross?

Mehr: No, but he is credited as one of the writers of the song. It's credited to S. Combs, M. Winans and C. Cross.

Sample king Puff Daddy praying at the altar of MOR godhead Christopher Cross.
Mike Gorman
Sample king Puff Daddy praying at the altar of MOR godhead Christopher Cross.
Three angry snobs are we: New Times' unholy critical trinity. From left, Bob Mehr, Serene Dominic, Bill Blake.
Three angry snobs are we: New Times' unholy critical trinity. From left, Bob Mehr, Serene Dominic, Bill Blake.

Blake: Oh, yeah, C. Cross in the house.

Dominic: He's the original Chris Cross, but he can't wear his clothes backward because he's too fat.

Blake: It's so Middle of the Road, it makes me want to puke. Now I have to live through MOR all over again. Dear God (looking upward, shaking his fist), isn't once enough?

Dominic: Well, at least Puff Daddy didn't sample "Think of Laura."

Mehr: That's something.

Dominic: Enough-Daddy, that's what they should call him. What's the name of this album, "Puff-Piece"?

Mehr: No, actually it's called Forever.

Dominic: That's because it goes on forever.

Blake: Yeah, the song is eternal.

Dean Martin
"Everybody Loves Somebody"
As a final treat, the snobs were given a chance to listen and comment on a rarely heard version of Dean Martin's 1964 hit as it appears on the newly issued Late at Night With Dean Martin.

Dominic: This is great. This is the version that was on Dream With Dean -- it was billed as the "intimate Dean Martin album." It doesn't have any of those overwrought strings or the "young Caucasian" back-up singers screwing it up.

Mehr: And listen to how his voice breaks. I've never heard that. He usually just glides through all his songs.

Dominic: Or sleepwalks through them like his old variety show.

Mehr: Or one of his celebrity roasts.

Dominic: Fortunately, Foster Brooks can't fuck this song up with one of his lame routines.

Mehr: Blake, you've been pretty quiet. What do you think of old Dino?

Blake: (looking genuinely excited) This guinea can sing!

Dominic: Yeah, it's doo-wop, without the doo.

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