On Fire for Mariah

Wherein our columnist is possessed by the spirit of a pubescent punk

If I think about all these famous people that get to do Mariah, I will get depressed. She would never go out with a guy like me. I am too poor and we live in a small apartment that has brown carpeting and a broken refrigerator. It is a far cry from the mansions she's used to.

I don't know why she has to hang around all these rap guys who sing like they are poor dudes living in the ghetto but act like they are Donald Trump. Her new record has Snoop Dogg and Tupac and Jay-Z and lots of others. Sometimes I think that she does that just to make more people like her. She should know that I love her just for who she is! And that no matter what, her new CD is excellent!

Her new CD shows her on her back sucking a red lollipop shaped like a heart. Her butt sticks out from white shorts and a rainbow goes over both awesome cheeks. Yeah! One song called "Bliss" makes me think of the inside photo coming to life. In the picture, she is laid out on an old-style bed with shiny pink sheets, and that heart-shaped lollipop is in her mouth. It's way better than Britney Spears doing the same kind of pictures that were in Rolling Stone before. I play the song over and over and over.

Carey's can is an inspiration for teen boys everywhere.
Carey's can is an inspiration for teen boys everywhere.

Maybe because Mariah reminds me of Tiffany so much is the reason that I love her so much. To think of Tiffany, all I have to do is watch Mariah dance and sing and play with her long blond hair like she's 14 years old. When she smiles, it makes your stomach feel like it is full of something that has to get out.

Like I said, when I'm doing that thing, "That Thing You Do," all I think about is Mariah Carey. I don't really think about the way her voice sounds going all over the place like that. Or the way the lyrics in the songs are always talking about her dumb ex-boyfriends and husbands. That stuff doesn't matter. The way she moves her butt in that new video. I can't help what happens.

Maybe Mariah is really Tiffany. I just saw the brand-new Mariah video where she is washing a big car wearing tight shorts and heels. It's just like Tiffany used to!

I wonder if Tiffany's boyfriend ever got her into those magazines and videos like he promised. I wonder what kind of videos Tiffany will be in. Her boyfriend always said he would make something out of her.

I heard somewhere that Mariah didn't like herself very much when she was a little girl. That people laughed at her because her clothes were old-fashioned and her shoes were old and one parent was black and the other one was white. I never would have dissed her. I'd have made those people shut their fat traps!

Sometimes it seems like if a girl doesn't like herself very much, then she has to do what her boyfriend or husband wants her to do. But if she gets rich and famous, she can be free. That's messed up!

Contact Brian Smith at his online address: bsmith@newtimes.com

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