Flashes 02-03-2000

Best or Bust

If you're truly concerned about the state of higher education in this great nation, you'll join the Flash in wondering where to get some o' them there mind-altering mushrooms the folks at Syracuse University are ingesting.

They are, after all, Orangemen. How cosmic is that?

That august New York academy, in conjunction with the persistently lyrical Governingmagazine, has named Phoenix the best-managed city in America.

And it was all right there, trumpeted on the front page of the January 31 USA Today, which is, in case you didn't know, the best-managed newspaper in America. The story touting Phoenix's munificence also contained a map of the good ol' USAthat placed Denver in Wyoming.

Syracuse and Governingattribute Phoenix's über competence and management marvels to "strong leadership."

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

If Phoenix has strong leadership, then Denver really is in Wyoming!

Oh, wait. Could they be referring to Mayor Skippy Rimsza, the same steely helmsman who brought us Celebration 2000? His city is so well-managed, it was able to somehow divine a $500,000 check to pay the entertainers at the New Year's bash -- without the inefficient red tape of getting the City Council's permission. Have cash, will cut check.

How about Mayor Skippy's vow to bequeath us Barry GoldwaterInternational Airport? He folded like origami on that one.

Hizzoner is so strong, he's able to make automatonic campaign appearances while juggling three small tots! That's beyond cool. That's cougat!

Wait. Perhaps the Orangemen are referring to the titanic resolve of city manager Frank Fairbanks, who brought us the $30 million, 3,000-space downtown parking garage for the science center (but notBank One Ballpark) -- a clear violation of the spirit of the voter-approved ordinance that prohibits the expenditure of more than $3 million for any sports-related project without citizen consent. That garage, which sits virtually empty on the science center's busiest days, should be named after Fairbanks.

The city's most recent survey of its citizenry listed gang violence as the No. 1 problem. Phoenix's murder rate rose 27 percent last year.

Yet the city's top initiative is to issue a $90 million subsidy for a new luxury Marriott hotel that is desperately needed downtown to provide more great jobs, such as pillow-mint steward.

Phoenix leaders do exhibit strength -- when it comes to ignoring its citizens and ramming through a fat-cat-friendly and rapacious development agenda.

Somebody, please pass the 'shrooms.

Democraticisms

In its latest newsletter, the Maricopa County Democrats are advertising tee shirts for sale, emblazoned with the puzzling "This is no ordinary Democrat you are dealing with."

The Flash doesn't get it. Does that mean the tee shirt is not polyester?

And aside from the not-funny aspect of the slogan, the Dems commit the sin of ending a sentence with a preposition.

But that should come as no surprise to anyone who actually tries to read the January 2000 edition of the Maricopa County Democratic View.

Those Dems could sure use a copy editor! Poor Congressman J.D. Hayworthis identified as "JD Hayward" -- in a headline, no less. Joke Arpaiois referred to as "Seriff." But at least those two are Republicans.

"Party leader" and state Representative Ken Cheuvrontis butchered into "Ken Cheveraunt."

The Flash can't wait 'til Al Goar hits the state.

Casey's at the Battle

New Timeshas written about the conflict that has erupted in Tempe over Casey Moore's, a popular neighborhood tavern. Some Tempeans who live near the venerable establishment at Ninth Street and Ash are miffed by the late-night noise and traffic. They want the city to clamp down on Casey's.

When a zoning question came up recently (Should Casey's be allowed to continue using all of its outdoor patio space?), one neighbor, Andrew McDermott, submitted to the city the transcript of a videotape he recorded outside Casey's on May 15, 1999, at 1 a.m. McDermott told city officials he was standing in his front yard. To wit:

Casey Moore's Customer #1: Hey, asshole. Why don't you put that fucking camera away, dude? They (Casey's) were here first. Alright?

McDermott: Sir?

Casey Moore's Customer #1: Are you that much of a fucking loser that you don't even have a fucking friend?

Casey Moore's Customer #2:He could step on the sidewalk, I guess.

Casey Moore's Customer #1:I would fucking love to fucking tear you a new asshole. Get a fucking life. Alright? Oh that's a sweet receding hairline you got going there, baldy.

Casey Moore's Customer #2: You ought to be happy your property values are going up.

Casey Moore's Customer #1: Come on, big guy. I'd love to fucking rip your asshole wide open so I could shit a fucking log on it. Right? My, God. You are such a fucking fag. Move some place else you fucking fag.

Casey Moore's Customer #3: I'm innocent, your honor.

Casey Moore's Customer #1:All you guys are fucking faggots.

McDermott:Man.

Casey Moore's Customer #4:You've got everyone in an uproar.

McDermott: Well, you know. I'm not asking for much. I just asked these guys to cool it a little bit. You know?

Casey Moore's Customer #1: You wanna zoom in?

McDermott:Look at this guy.

Casey Moore's Customer #1 (customer begins pulling down pants):Zoom in, mother fucker.

McDermott:Look at this guy.

Casey Moore's Customer #4:Why do people do that?

Casey Moore's Customer #1 (customer completes pulling down pants):Zoom in to this, you faggot. Zoom in.

McDermott:I've been asking these guys for six months just to keep it cool out front. You know.

Casey Moore's Customer #4: Right. You know, what I don't understand is the establishment. They have the back here. It seems like it would be a lot easier if they would just move everybody to the back instead of the front.

McDermott:That's what we've asked. Time and time again.

Casey Moore's Customer #5: It's against my religion to take a photograph of me. If I find it on the web, I'll sue your ass.

McDermott:I mean it. Can you believe the harassment I'm getting here?

Casey Moore's Customer #4:It's comical. I, I can't believe it.

McDermott:I mean. This guy was like over here like just a minute ago like threatening to beat me up.

Casey Moore's Customer #4: Just because you're doing this?

McDermott:I'm not looking. I'm not looking to. I don't want to do this. Believe me. This is not my idea of, of a nice Friday night.

Fortunately for Casey's, none of its advocates used similar language at the zoning hearing. Casey's won permission to keep utilizing its patio space.

Great Scott

This note from crack NT copy editor Scott Verbout:

"I ran a story through spell-check, and it stopped at the word 'shithole.' The suggested replacement: 'tithe.'

(Copy editor humor.)"

Hahahahahahahahaha. You slay me!

Feed the Flash: voice, 602-229-8486; fax, 602-340-8806; online, flash@newtimes.com

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