Tommy Boy

On Get Some Go Ahead, Rollins maintains his badass poet of the pissed-off losers posture, which, presumably, in all of its adulteration, nobody cares to challenge. Maybe they think he'll beat them up? The record also introduces an all-new backing ''band," L.A.'s Mother Superior.

Rollins possesses a confidence (and brute physical strength) to believe in and successfully promote his own mythology while claiming to champion punk-rock ethos. But the hypocrisies are of colossal proportion.

He takes the piss out of women who unnaturally doctor their bodies, yet a casual glance at Rollins himself reveals a Mr. Vainglory. Don't miss his butt-revealing role in the Billy Zane and Kelly McGillis flick Morgan's Ferry.

Rand Carlson

On "LA Money Train," Rollins' anger sleeves are rolled up over Popeye forearms as he delivers with wish-poet fists: "You lose your job/You get your ass kicked/Your woman leaves you/You spend the night in county jail/Reality gets all up in your face and says, 'Hey, man, the rich do'/And all of a sudden that Offspring record just doesn't do it for you anymore."

The blow to the Offspring is deserved, sure, but coming from Rollins?

This from a man who hawks Macs while balking at commerciality. So what's he pissed off about? A bunch of un-fly white guys who made it big on pop shtick? Rollins sounds like a fourth grader shouting insults to neighborhood kids from the window of his upstairs bedroom where he knows he can't be touched.

Get Some Go Ahead sees the Rollins Band's jazzy blunders of old replaced with punky/bluesy saddle sores, topped with Rollins' prototypical pocketbook Marxist spouting. The subtext of which conjures a Just Say No, SS-affecting jock-O whose rigid routine revolves around pumping iron, work and sleep. Ultimately what Rollins does do is uphold the strength-through-brawn honor of testis-proud American dudes; someone who prides himself an alpha male, but demands the responsibilities of an adolescent boy. When considering Rollins' constant self-investigations and diary-like self-appraisal, you understand that the man has succeeded in becoming nothing short of a world-class irritant. He's always coming up short. Just how we imagine his penis.

The Best of the Best 1984-2000

One day I was at a diner in Texas. I sat down and ordered coffee. A few tables over, a disgusting fat guy had just received his order. He pigged on a cheeseburger and fries so greasy they dripped. When he bit down on his burger, the side facing me spit juice. The man wiped the grease off his mouth with a napkin and looked up at me. In a curiously high voice, he said, "It's a bitch when you go to the bathroom and your dick smells like bad pussy." I swear to God that is what he said. I just looked at him with a bored expression.

Years later, I realized that the slob in that Texas diner was quoting Blackie Lawless, metal's own Mary Tyler Moore in an Elvira wig. Then I thought how tragic it is that I can lay claim to recognizing W.A.S.P. lyrics. For the life of me, I couldn't recite the first line of any Shakespeare sonnet or rattle forth dialogue from Midnight Cowboy, a movie I've seen maybe 30 times.

Listening to this best-of W.A.S.P. collection, you get the sense that Blackie Lawless sat around for years sticking pins in dolls named Nikki Sixx while investing heavily in David Lee Roth hair tonics. In Lawless' pack of bestial, rutting predators, you can picture under their leather exteriors flabby middle-age-man tits bouncing along as they rawk out on songs like "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)" and "Dirty Balls."

W.A.S.P. at best knew a good Queen and Motörhead riff when it heard one, but thought it wise to mix it with greasy woman-hateful imagery and the ever-treacherous rockface of metal music.

(Spitfire Records)

When considering Ronnie James Dio's latest music for purchase, it's undeniable that helpful elves and toad princes probably have more street cred. A few points to chew on:

1. He's a Lilliputian sort.

2. He must be at least 100 years old.

3. His first group was called Elf, whose albums are just plain bad/funny, and the title is funny when you consider number 1, above.

4. You want funny? Look at the picture on this site:

5. He got booted from Black Sabbath on more than one occasion (1982 and 1992).

7. Rainbow, anyone? How about "Puff the Magic Dragon"?

8. Common wisdom says Dio is the one who brought the La Mano Cornuda hand sign (devil sign: index finger and pinky finger outstretched, fist clenched; best issued while drunk on Natural Light Ice) to the world of metal.

9. Like Ozzy, his wife doubles as his manager.

10. Holy Diver -- He's a survivor!

Contact Bill Blake at his online address:

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