What would the face of rock history have looked like if the British Invasion had been a Britney Invasion instead?

A session with Neil Diamond to record "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" is canceled when he refuses to omit an offending verse about Britney sitting on his face. Understandably, the line is cut when Diamond records the song with his second choice, Barbra Streisand.


Still sensitive to criticism that they do everything two months after the Beatles, the Rolling Stones wait a full 17 years before tossing Mick Jagger and hiring Britney to front the band.

Gabba, gabba, oops! Beat on the Britney... one more time.
Image by Garth Weber
Gabba, gabba, oops! Beat on the Britney... one more time.

Though things start out promisingly enough with the recording of Britney's Newest Hitmakers, Spears quickly runs afoul of the rest of the Stones with her increasingly difficult behavior.

She pisses off Keith Richards by insisting the band play a detuned, butchered version of "Satisfaction" -- making the song sound even worse than Devo's cover. Perhaps more damning, Ronnie Wood complains that her stupid grin is clashing with his!

Britney later enrages Bill "I Always Pulled the Most Birds" Wyman by refusing to sleep with him. Spears even manages to anger the normally unflappable Charlie Watts, who speaks for the first time in 11 years, urging his fellow bandmates to "get rid of that stupid git."

But before they can fire her, tragedy strikes when Spears is killed onstage during a Stones concert at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe, Arizona. Her death comes after a 70-foot inflatable penis collapses on her prematurely, causing her to suffocate. A coroner's report rules the official cause of death as "Penile Asphyxiation." Spears is 35 years old.

Britney Spears is scheduled to perform on Friday, July 28, at Desert Sky Pavilion, with the A* Teens, and Mikaila. Showtime is 7:30 p.m.

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