A Guide to Cultural Crudity

Another season of boorish behavior embarks -- 'Hey, it's Phoenix.'

THE DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

PROFILE: A gynecologist who never works weekends but always carries a cell phone.

BITS OF BUSINESS: Smiling sheepishly and shrugging when his phone rings halfway through the leading man's big monologue; recounting, sotto voce, the entire plot of the show to the person on the other end of the line; sneering when fellow audience members hiss at him (after all, he's a patron of the arts, while they're merely season ticket holders).

Mark Poutenis

DIALOGUE: "I'm on call!"

THE GREEN ROOM BROWN-NOSER

PROFILE: A dinner-theater actor with a day job and comp tickets to the show. Or the parent of someone in the cast. Or a theater critic with no morals and a secret desire to be loved by "theater people."

BITS OF BUSINESS: Dropping names; fawning; asking for autographs; cornering the second male lead and exclaiming, "Tonight, a star was born!"; making a pass at the wigmaster; refusing to speak to fans of the leading lady or anyone who isn't Equity.

DIALOGUE: "It was all right for a workshop production."

EVERYBODY ELSE

PROFILE: Almost any living person in North America.

DIALOGUE: To a theater critic he's cornered in the lobby after the show, loudly and within earshot of several cast members: "So! What did you think of the play?!"

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