The Long and Short of SUV Drivers

Letters from the week of September 19, 2002

Crotch Talk

Macho macho man: Regarding Amy Alkon's rant equating big SUVs with small penises ("Guys With Small Penises," September 12): I drive a Toyota truck, but I live full-time in a 35-foot-long, 11-foot-tall motor home. It averages about six miles per gallon.

Based on Amy's assumptions, I must have a teeny little pecker. I hate to "blow" her theory, but between thrashing shrieks and muffled whimpers, I've been told my penis resembles a baby's arm holding an apple.

Instead of driving my behemoth (motor home, not penis) once or twice a year, I think I'll start driving it to work every day. I'll try to park next to the biggest SUV I can find. If Amy wants to place one of her insipid little cards on my rig, at least she'll have something to stand on so she can reach my windshield.

Ted Vaughn

It's a body part, get over it: I found it richly amusing (that is, I laughed my ass off) and the height of irony to read of Robert Nelson's outrage regarding Amy Alkon's anti-SUV campaign.

We would all be better off if journalists like Mr. Nelson would remember how it feels to be the victim of a journalist who is lacking in cluefulness or has a preconceived agenda the next time he writes one of the tremendously opinionated pieces of alleged journalism for which the New Times is so notorious. (He could start by offering Janet Napolitano the opportunity, and the same amount of space that he used on September 12, to respond to his off-the-wall screed against her, "Goober-natorial," of August 29.)

But I would imagine that the chances of this happening are about the same as George W. Bush reading a book without lots of big pictures in it.

Name withheld by request

You're not as big as you think: Dearest Bobbee: Amy puts cards on heavy pollutant bark-o-lounger mobiles. If she "tagged" your pork-mobile, you think you are justified in "puncturing her tires," a felony offense! Gee, what a reciprocal act . . . OF A LUNATIC!

Bob, as in bob-the-nob, get a grip, you patho-illogical pinhead. You endorse (thru screed) $400-plus tire damage, tow truck charge, trauma/drama and lost time from life over your 6.25 (s-t-r-e-t-c-h) pencil pee straw. The planet must die for your gluttonous fat arse! Pleez to fecundate yo' sef, sire (see Webster's).

You almost got you and two boys killed, by operator error! Then buy larger "killer" mobile corpulence.

P.S.: You use keypad-weary clichés, regular EDWARD R. MURROW.

P.P.S.: You be da "psycho" boy. Squirted thrice, still not a man. But your wife got a meal ticket. Pleez, señor, get a vasuc-tomy. "Anchovies," eh? If it smells like a fish . . .

Ben Quick
Via e-mail

No, you be da man: I just read your article in response to Amy Alkon's. Very nicely done. I found it interesting on her Web site the story of her 1960s Nash that was stolen. She was ranting and raving about how she was speeding around town to catch this person. As if a 1960 Nash and speeding around town don't pollute the air more than a new SUV. This person is so ignorant. Having formed this opinion by all of the stupid stories on her site. How can this person be called the "advice goddess"?

It just pisses me off that New Times would even print her story. I read New Times every week and love it. I don't own an SUV. One day I will and would like to run through Amy Alkon's front door. Or maybe right into her precious pink Rambler. Keep up the good work.

Kevin P. Shine

Somebody marry this guy: I had almost forgotten that there was another side to the SUV drama in America. I've been listening to that crap about penis anxiety and black-lung egrets for years now, and being the white-bread kid that I am, I was driven around in a Suburban for much of my childhood. So now, though I live a lifestyle that's anything but "family-oriented" (I'm in college, but the penis remains disinterested in anything that isn't a lifelong mate), I still hear the Alkon position all too frequently. I would normally never send a letter agreeing with what someone said in New Times, because I'm not a liberal savant who lives the indie art-movement lifestyle. I'm still a bit shocked that they let in your (soon to be "our" at some point during my life, I'm sure) point of view. Unless Ms. Alkon is one of those outspoken lesbo-femmes who's so popular with the world-saving intellectual left, maybe she'll someday know what it's like taking a family vacation in a midsize sedan. Yeah, we can't all drive in style and comfort, maintaining respect for mother earth, or sister earth, or whatever the hell she's fighting for. But living in the real world, outside of pseudo-intellectual liberal dogma and fake-ass beatnik wanna-be poetry gatherings to fund-raise for the poor damned egrets, is really a bitch sometimes, eh?

Matt Williams
Via e-mail

Intimidating behavior: Your article titled "Guys With Small Penises" was totally amusing. Amy Alkon is living proof that uneducated, ignorant morons receive far more attention than they deserve (hence this letter). Just by reading the article and seeing the way she talks and forms her sentences, I would be surprised to learn that she even graduated high school, as she basically doesn't know how to talk. Her extremist "environmental" views are tired and old and -- yawn -- that's been done before and, quite frankly, I believe most people are tired of that crap.

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