In This Corner...

For David Hans Schmidt, there's no business like ho business

NT: How'd you wind up in the pokey?

Schmidt: I made a late phone call that violated a restraining order that the mother of my children had against me. I was entitled to call my daughters between 6 and 8 p.m. I impetuously called them 15 minutes after eight one night, which is called aggravated harassment. It's a felony.

Because I had a previous violation, I'm not bondable, so the only way to get out of Durango was to cop a plea to probation. I thought, "I'll do okay on probation; I'm not a criminal." But the overzealous law enforcement officials put me on the domestic violence unit of the adult probation department, which has a surveillance officer tagging you, a probation officer tagging you, you have to take urine tests, it's like jumping through constant hoops of fire. And when you get an arrogant son of a bitch like me in there, you're gonna fuck up. I fucked up on several occasions. One of them was when I laid a birthday card on my dead son's grave. Where was the judicial system? I got a new judge, and she had no compassion for my disposition. So I went to prison.

Not-so-secret agent man: David Hans Schmidt gets his clients serious exposure.
Not-so-secret agent man: David Hans Schmidt gets his clients serious exposure.

NT: How ironic: You were in prison, where centerfolds are every man's salvation.

Schmidt: They were loving me, man. It was great. You know, I got all those girls into magazines, but I never screwed any of them. Case in point: Tonya Harding made a pass at me one night, and I said, "No, God, trailer trash, get away from me." I always separate business from pleasure.

NT: While you were in prison, your friend Rick Chance was murdered by a prostitute.

Schmidt: What a tragedy. We would sit at the Ritz, two intelligent, entrepreneurial, handsome, middle-aged men with the world by the tail and a couple of Porsches to boot, and we'd just sit there and spit creative ideas at each other. I can't describe the helplessness I felt when Rick was murdered. I couldn't go to his funeral, I could only watch it on TV.

NT: You just issued a press release about Chance's former wife, Jill Scott, that was downright libelous.

Schmidt: I've got a lot of respect for her, because she's crafty. What's she gonna do, sue me? Fuck her. What's the old saying about libel? If you sue for libel, it's liable to be true. If I get a letter from a law firm saying Jill Scott wants to sue me, I'll say, "Bring it on!"

NT: What now?

Schmidt: My first priority is to be a model parolee. I'm as clean as a devout Mormon baby. Next, I'm gonna go to the governor for a full pardon. I've got it coming. I went to the joint for making a late fucking phone call, which is horseshit. I did more time than O.J. Simpson. I went to prison not because of what I did but because of who I am: an arrogant and conceited guy. Come on, arresting a guy for putting a birthday card on his dead baby's grave? That's arrogant and conceited. These Keystone Kops are the ones who are arrogant and conceited.

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