Dancing Queen

Playboy Playmate Brittany Evans tells Speakeasy about her dream gig.

Brittany Evans is not that kind of girl. Sure, she took off every last stitch of clothing for Playboy this month, and she hangs out at Hugh Hefner's mansion in a bikini and high heels, but she's really just the girl next door. She collects old books and loves her mom and shows us her breasts for money. Well, maybe Brittany is the girl next door if you live in Gomorrah.

While our photographer snaps away at a fully clad Brittany, I flip through her portfolio, which begins with snaps of a thong-clad Brittany (from when she was a swimsuit model for Venus Swimwear) and lots of gauzy head shots (from when she was a finalist for host of E! Entertainment Television's Wild On show) but winds up with page after page of Brittany prettily displaying parts of herself generally revealed only to one's gynecologist. I'm still blushing as Brittany joins me at a dark table at Scorch, where she hosts a weekly dance television program and where she's agreed to meet me and reveal all. So to speak.

New Times: What do you say to a total stranger who has just seen so very much of you?

Brittany Evans: Um, well, I don't know. I guess I would just say, "Hi!"

NT: Hello.

Evans: I'm getting used to it now. I knew when I was doing the shoot that people were going to see these photos, and it was weird, because I'm really modest; I'm not the girl that goes to clubs and flashes people or anything. I'm pretty conservative.

NT: You're featured in the current issue [February] of Playboy. What did your mom say?

Evans: She said, "I don't really understand why you want to do this, but I think they're beautiful pictures." My dad is a longtime subscriber to Playboy, and he just said, "Well, I've been looking at pictures of someone else's daughter for the last 25 years, so I can't really complain too much."

NT: Tell me about meeting Hef.

Evans: It was a disaster. I was at the Playboy mansion, and I really wanted to see the inside. Everyone was outside hanging out by the pool, so I snuck inside and started looking around. I went upstairs and I heard someone coming, Hef and some other people. I started to go downstairs and I was in a bikini and high heels, and I made it about halfway down and I slipped. It was a really disastrous fall, and the whole way down I'm thinking, "Nooooooo . . ." My arm got caught in the railing, one of my shoes was at the top of the stairs, and one was at the bottom, but I eventually stopped falling. It was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me -- I got caught sneaking around someone's house and then I fell down a huge flight of stairs.

NT: And you landed at Hef's feet.

Evans: Pretty much, yeah. And I looked up and said to him, "Oh, God. Has this ever happened to anyone before?" And he said, "I've seen many, many people fall down those stairs."

NT: You were voted Playboy.com's October 2002 Cyber Girl of the Month by members of the magazine's Cyber Club. How do we know you didn't rig the election? You know, get your friends to hit the "Enter" button 400 times apiece?

Evans: Well, you can vote more than once, but you have to buy a membership to Playboy.com. I felt guilty asking people to become members, so I just decided to leave it to fate. It would be okay to win honestly or not at all.

NT: And now you're the host of Club Underground, which airs Sunday nights on the WB.

Evans: Ooh, yeah! People come in and dance on Wednesdays, and we film them, and they get to watch themselves on TV on Sunday nights.

NT: What time?

Evans: I don't know. I think it's on late.

NT: Are you an ecdysiast?

Evans: I'm sorry?

NT: A stripper.

Evans: I've never heard that word before! Is that a nice way to say "stripper"? Well, no. Like I said, I'm pretty modest.

NT: You keep describing yourself as "modest" and "conservative," but there are some photos of you in Playboy where you're bending waaaaaay over, and all you're wearing is a smile.

Evans: Right. I know it sounds totally wrong, because I've been in Playboy, but it's really true.

NT: I read where you said, "I've always been an anal, obsessive-compulsive planner." Is that what led to your success?

Evans: No, actually I'm very laid-back about my career. I've got a Plan B that doesn't include modeling and television, but I'm leaving the door open for any opportunity that comes my way. I'd love to act, but I don't know if I can. What I'd really love to get into is hosting.

NT: Right. You're currently an in-game host for the Phoenix Coyotes. Does that mean that you put them up at your place when they're playing here?

Evans: No! I wish. That would be so cool. I actually know nothing about sports, so it was interesting that I ended up with this job. It's when you go to hockey games, there's the announcer and then there's another voice talking about the attendance or doing commercials. That's me. I do some on-camera stuff, too.

NT: Playboy is sending you to Mardi Gras next month to represent them. What are your responsibilities?

Evans: It's tough work. I do balcony appearances on Bourbon Street.

NT: You mean like throwing beads down to crowds of strangers and lifting up your top?

Evans: Yes!

NT: Wait. I was kidding. You're really going to be doing that Mardi Gras thing where you flash your boobs?

Evans: Yes. I really have to do that! It was tough for me, agreeing to do that. But yeah, it's in the spirit of Mardi Gras. There'll be four of us from Playboy, two centerfolds and two cyber girls, and we'll be making appearances throughout the night on the Playboy balcony, trying to get the crowd pumped up.

NT: I have it on good authority that your most prized possession is your collection of first-edition, autographed novels.

Evans: I have the entire Clan of the Cave Bear series! All first editions, and one of them is autographed. Nobody cares about my books but me, and sometimes I just take them out and hold them and it's like, "Wow!" You know?

NT: I do know. What are you reading now?

Evans: The new John Grisham book. I forget what it's called. It's about a judge who dies. I'm not very monogamous with my authors; I skip around a lot.

NT: I've read that your short stature has been a challenge you've overcome "by possessing other traits and characteristics appealing to a mass audience." What would those be?

Evans: I'm pretty tiny; I'm five-foot-two. I can't say that I've completely overcome that. However, there are a couple of areas in modeling where they don't care about your height, they just care about your proportions, and that's swimsuit modeling and obviously being in Playboy.

NT: So there's some truth to the one about how having really big breasts is the only thing that matters?

Evans: Oh, that's pretty sad, actually. I work for a plastic surgeon, and so I can tell you firsthand that people just really think, "the bigger, the better." It saddens me. Women who think that way are probably a little insecure. It's not the key to happiness.

NT: So these are really your breasts?

Evans: I'm augmented. But I chose a very medium size because I wanted to be proportional. I don't want to walk down the street and have someone say, "Wow, look at her breasts!"

NT: But they might say that when they see you in Playboy. And big boobs are an American tradition.

Evans: They are! It's kind of sad.

NT: Are you aware that a Google search of your name turns up a half-dozen Web sites promising nude pictures of you?

Evans: (laughs) I know! "Brittany Evans! Hot nude celeb!" That didn't happen until after my Playboy shoot, though. It used to be a thrill for me to Google myself, but then as soon as my Playboy pictures came out, I Googled myself and I was shocked -- there were hundreds of sites that had pictures of me. It's rampant!

NT: What if someone from the WB finds out?

Evans: They already know. They've been really supportive about it, and I think they're kind of proud of me. They feel like I've achieved something by being in Playboy. If it were Penthouse or Hustler or something a little lewd, they might feel differently.

NT: Do you have advice for young girls who want to become swimsuit models?

Evans: Yes. Stick to your guns, listen to your instincts, and don't ever let anyone talk you into doing anything you don't want to do. It's a scary world out there, and this industry tends to draw people who want to take advantage of young girls.

NT: Has that happened to you?

Evans: Yes, and I almost gave up modeling because of it. It was with someone with connections who was helping me in the business. I thought we were buddies, but he more than came on to me. It was something he did regularly. He pulled out Polaroids of girls in compromising positions and said he wanted to take some of me. When I refused him, he pretty much threw me out on the street in the middle of the night. He used the whole "You'll never work in this town, your career is over, I know people!" routine. It was a good lesson for me.

NT: What if, down the road, you have kids and they ask to see your Playboy spread?

Evans: I think I'd still be proud of the photos, but I don't know that I'd want to show them to my kids. I mean, I don't want to see my mom naked. Do you?

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