Proud Mary

Bite Me finds hamburger in paradise

Chanel Cartier

Singer, student

Bite Me: You're beautiful!

Chanel Cartier
Chanel Cartier
Casey Doscher
Casey Doscher

Details

5111 North Seventh Street, 602-240-6969. Hours: Monday-Friday, 11 a.m.-1 a.m.; Saturday, 10 a.m.-3 a.m.; Sunday, 10 a.m.-1 a.m. Appetizers: $4.95-$9.95; breakfast: $4.95-$6.95; lunch and dinner: $5.95-$12.95. Major cards.

Also 2017 North Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale, 480-945-MARY. Breakfast served at Scottsdale location.

Chanel: Thank you.

Bite Me: I saw you walking around and I've been dying to talk to you. You're a beauty. I'm telling you, I worked at a gay bar and I learned a slew of makeup tips from . . .

Chanel: Drag queens? I'm still a drag baby, actually.

Bite Me: You're new?

Chanel: I'm brand-new. I've been doing drag for maybe two months.

Bite Me: What do you use on your skin? It's gorgeous. What do you wash your face with?

Chanel: I wash my face with Aveda products or Shiseido.

Bite Me: Of course! Don't you wonder about those chicks who model for Cover Girl and Neutrogena? If they really used that shit, they'd be utterly nasty.

Chanel: (Laughs.) No, no, but I used to use Dove soap and it works. You don't have to spend $90.

Bite Me: Where should I shop here?

Chanel: What do you mean? As a girl or a boy?

Bite Me: I fucking love you.

Chanel: Are you into high fashion?

Bite Me: I probably would be if I had a dollar to my name. I'm a writer, honey, we're poor.

Chanel: Just because you're poor doesn't mean you can't get good bargains. I actually go to the Walter Cronkite School of Broadcast Journalism.

Bite Me: Why do you want to be a journalist?

Chanel: I actually want to be a fashions editor for GQ one day, or Vogue or Marie Claire or any of those. I just want to get into fashion. I'm actually getting my master's right now. My undergrad is in musical theater and I can't really do anything with that degree, but I love to sing.

Bite Me: Who's your favorite singer?

Chanel: Mariah Carey.

Bite Me: I love her! My ex-ex-ex-boyfriend wrote "Vision of Love" and "Someday" with her . . . my only brush with a musician. He hasn't worked with her since, but he sho'nuf got wealthy off o' dat.

Chanel: That's so awesome. You rock.

Bite Me: When people talk shit on her, I go insane. (Bite Me must admit that she didn't have much love for Miss Mariah at first. However, when she hung with the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, she grew to respect the pipes on the Butterfly Babe. Also, she credits Mariah with Bite Me's brief exposure to the good life, since it was her voice that funded it. Bite Me dined on caviar at Petrossian in New York, flew first-class to Costa Rica, hung with the Rolling Stones backstage, cruised around in a Porsche, blah, blah, blah. But living large didn't last. She burned rubber leaving that scene with only the clothes on her back.) And Mariah did not get a boob job.

Chanel: She just got fat and they got bigger. You just push them up. I actually met her at Barney's in New York. I was going through cashmere sweaters and I looked over and I thought, "That woman looks like Mariah Carey." And it was her. I freaked out and she said, "It's okay. Calm down." I said, "You're so beautiful. You're my inspiration. You're my favorite." She's so beautiful in real life, a beautiful person. I love her so much.

Bite Me: I get so annoyed when chicks bag on her. Meow. Saucer of milk, table four.

Chanel: I know. I even own Glitter.

Bite Me: I fucking own Glitter.

Chanel: We are one of five people who bought it. Actually, I'm known in drag as "the Mariah girl." I'm the only one who does only her stuff. I wish I was a little lighter so I looked more like her.

Bite Me: You're actually pretty close.

Chanel: Do you like Whitney?

Bite Me: I do.

Chanel: Me too. Even though she smokes crack.

Bite Me: She was led down the wrong road by that man of hers. That's what I think.

Chanel: He's so ghetto. Trashy.

Bite Me: Amen, sister.

Casey Doscher

Aspiring singer

Bite Me: Are you going to sing tonight?

Casey: I already did. I sang "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan.

Bite Me: Wow. You're really good. You should go on American Idol.

Casey: I want to. I missed the auditions when they came here.

Bite Me: What do you think of Paula Abdul?

Casey: She's too nice.

Bite Me: She's like the den mother trying to make up for that evil Simon dude. (And speaking of American Idol, is Bite Me the only one around here who doesn't give a rat's ass about whether Becca Bond or any of the other locals crash and burn? Can the local TV idiots give it a rest about Arizona's chances, like Idol was a fucking Olympic event or something?) Have you been singing a long time?

Casey: Since I was a little girl.

Bite Me: Well, don't let the business screw you over.

Casey: My parents are in the business so they take care of me. We've learned our lesson.

Bite Me: You've got great hair. Too bad Kelly Clarkson had to snake your look. One last question, are you really a girl?

Casey: I'm a girl and I'm straight.

Bite Me: Groovy. Now that I've gotten a random sampling, I can go home.

As parlayed to Marnye Oppenheim

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