By Heather Hoch
By Eric Schaefer
By New Times
By Rachel Miller
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch and Lauren Saria
By Robrt L. Pela
By Heather Hoch
Lucy: It's cilantro everything. So, do you ride?
Bite Me: Not on a regular basis. I had a nasty spill on a bike back in high school. It would seem I ain't meant to be on two wheels. So, how long have you been riding?
Lucy: I started as a kid but only got back into it about 10 years ago. I have two bikes – one is a pink-and-white sportster with Marilyn Monroe on the tank and the other is a Roadglide with the Rolling Stones on the tank.
Bite Me: Wow! Stones and pink. You're like the best of all possible worlds.
Lucy: You should talk to Colin. He'll talk to you.
Lucy: He's my best friend in the whole world.
Bite Me: Well, listen, Colin, Lucy said you'd talk to me. So you're gonna have to sit down.
Colin: Whoa! Damn! (Colin doesn't seem to mind being told what to do in the least.)
Bite Me: What's it called when you whip someone and order them around?
Bite Me: Hey, I'm just being me.
Colin: So where are your handcuffs? (Bite Me glanced down at her belt loop for her cuffs, only to find that she'd forgotten them.)
Bite Me: Shit. (Bite Me makes a mental note to keep an array of bondage accessories with her on assignments.)
Lance: We used to advertise with New Times. We had an evaporative cooling business.
Bite Me: What the fuck is evaporative cooling?
Colin: So when we read this, will we read "what the bleep is evaporative cooling?"
Bite Me: No, we don't edit out the word "fuck." It's quite often the very best word for the occasion. I'm not out here to edit the public or myself, just to get the scoop on what real people say. I hate vanilla people with no spark.
Lucy: I need to get your phone number. I need to go out with girls like you.
Bite Me: We're Midwestern girls. Of course we need to hang out!
Lucy: I have no girlfriends to go out with. I'm not working at all so you can call me anytime.
Bite Me: You're not drunk, are you?
Colin: She never drinks when she's riding her bike. Never.
Bite Me: So tell me, Lance, what the hell is evaporative cooling?
Lance: It's cooling with water through pads.
Bite Me: They really need that shit out here, don't they?
Lance: Well, yeah, Arizona is one of the cooling capitals of the world. But I did that for quite a few years. (Bite Me later learns from her Phoenix friends that evaporative cooling is what you get when you can't afford the rent on a place with air conditioning. She's told that all of this local obsession with cooling will become abundantly logical to her in a few more months.)
Bite Me: Colin has beautiful blue eyes. (In the event it doesn't come across in his photo, let the record reflect that Colin's eyes are a gorgeous cerulean blue. Settle down, ladies. He's taken. But those eyes are a sight to behold.)
Lucy: He does.
Bite Me: Colin, you sort of look like Russell Crowe but not. Because I think Russell Crowe is a little too, well, he could almost be ugly. But you're like the pretty Russell Crowe. I'm not hitting on you. I'm just pointing out the obvious.
Colin: Thanks so much. You're right, though, I have a girlfriend.
Bite Me: Lucky duck.
Lance: Can we have your number?
Colin: Maybe you're gonna end up with a biker boyfriend.
Lance: We can ask Lucy for her number since they've already exchanged them.
Bite Me: Apparently you find me quite enticing. Or perhaps something of a circus freak. Maybe it's my trashy language or the fact that I'm hopped up on Bloody Marys before noon. No telling which of these glorious traits is drawing you in. . . . So, what do you do for a living biker boy?
Lance: I'm a pastry chef at a resort. Before that I owned an evaporative cooling company.
Bite Me: Do you use your pastry prowess to lure in the ladies?
Lance: I don't need to use pastries.
Bite Me: Of course you don't. Perhaps, though, you should use it to keep the ladies in the lair. No hot chickie ever left a fella who fed her cream puffs. So, lead me to your bike. (Lance and Steve lead Bite Me out to their spectacular rides with a skip in their step. They have much to be proud of and are all too happy to allow her to share the love.)
Steve: You should sit on Lance's bike. You want to?
Bite Me: Are you kidding me? I'd love to.
Steve: Have a seat and straddle it. How's that feel? Let him put the kickstand up and you can feel what it's really like. Hold the handlebars so she can turn the wheel. (Lance complies.)
Bite Me: I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. I'm king of the fuckin' world. I am never getting off this bike. Bring me a drink!