By Monica Alonzo
By Ray Stern
By New Times Staff
By Stephen Lemons
By Chris Parker
By Monica Alonzo
By Stephen Lemons
By Robrt L. Pela
9. I am not afraid of anything... and while there are quite a few things that I would not want to happen to me or my loved ones, to say I am afraid of them is not true. I'm acutely aware of the alleged medical implications associated with someone who would make such a statement, and because of this, I challenge my detractors to write an essay in which they outline ALL the things they are afraid of, and then explain why they are not the type of person they are accusing me of being.
My medical history for the last 20 years consists of a touch of the flu and a little nervous breakdown when I quit smoking cold turkey without taking medication. I haven't missed a day of work in 10 years and I consume alcohol for effect rather than as a social tool, although with the passing of time I now prefer quality to quantity. I have a bit of an issue with authority, in particular when it is exercised without purpose, and this has held me back in life. That aside, I've never committed a felony or misdemeanor, and I've never been to jail. I'm a friend of the environment and an enemy of the universally accepted concepts of crime. Since we are not yet an endangered species (quite the contrary) I support individual freedom of choice in whatever form it may take, as long as the actions do not put others in harm's way. I prefer real butterflies to butterfly knives, butterfly bombs, and butterfly bandages, but I would not hesitate to make full use of any of them in the name of survival. I am not superstitious. I'm good at gardening, stringing beads, and using sticks and stones. At different times I've been a tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, doctor, lawyer, but not an Indian Chief.
There is at least a grain of truth in everything I've said, and that's about it. Please advise about my payment in gold, and provide details as to your bunker arrangements, if they do exist, and I'll decide later as to whether I'll take you up on that end of the offer.
Best wishes to all of you for a long, healthy, and happy life.
President of the Known World
Well, in the first place, I know things. A lot of things. Those ancient pre-tech skills like building meals from raw materials that may or may not grow on trees or bushes. I can also build a fire to cook on, or use the sun to cook under. If you've had a good breakfast, the rest of survival can seem a whole lot easier. I also know which way is
North, which will be essential come summer if we haven't figured out how to get the A/C going by then.
I'm short, so I don't take up much room. This can be important in any situation where hiding from wild animals may be involved.
I'm not some 20-year-old bimbo that only wants to lay around the compound and whine about the lack of frozen microwaveable dinners and that her phone won't work—this may count against me, but then again maybe not. I'm not much good for breeding purposes but I jolly well do know how to run things and get things done. After the initial dust has settled and the few other lucky inhabitants of the world emerge from their bunkers/caves/whatever, somebody will need to be able to be the leader and get things organized.
That would be me. I'll start by appointing myself Queen, though maybe I could settle for just President of the Known World. I'll write up a set of simple laws based on the original Ten Suggestions everybody pretty much knows about anyway, and we can all go about our business establishing the New Civilization unhampered by things like Departments of Anything that seem to mostly get in the way. This President business will only be a part-time job, since the rest of my time will be taken up in addressing the basic needs of survival like anybody else. That, and teaching my ancient skills to everybody that needs to know them. I also know tons about what we now I figure I've got about 40 years left, so that ought to be enough time to re-invent the Internet, come up with a mode of transportation that runs on a renewable resource, and bring back ice cream. The arts won't be based any longer on mass popularity related to who 's got the biggest promotional budget, so I'll also establish a university/performance venue for writers, artists, actors and musicians. They'll have to teach each other, because I'm mainly a writer, but I bet they'd come up with some cool stuff!
Yes, the world needs me. If it wasn't for ideas, we'd all still be living in caves and the New Times would be carved into a big rock at the side of the busiest trail. And that doesn't sound like much fun to me.
A Toothless Gurgling Cough
With the apocalyptic end in sight, the horizon merging red with fume and flame, there seems to be no other alternative. I must go underground. Other homes are sealed tight with duct tape and plastic sheeting. I had acquired some of my own, but I had to use it to cover the gaping holes in my shoes. Seeing how my feet are so large it took almost the whole roll to cover the ulceration in the canvass and the rubber soles. The rest I had fashioned into a clear poncho. You can still see what I didn’t have one before through the plastic.
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