The Living Dead

Scott Hume

Duct tape, schmuct tape! B.R. McEwen didn't win the gold, but The Spike liked his "mug shots."

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• Saddam Hussein
• Camp Michael
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• Tom Ridge

I can say the whole Betty Botter tongue twister in 8.64

In the event of the Apocalypse, and in honor of David Letterman, here are the top ten reasons you should choose me to join you in the bomb shelter:

1. After several years of teaching in one of Arizona's recently labeled under performing schools, I have learned how to get by with very limited resources.

2. I know all kinds of logical consequences for bad behavior. For instance, if the guys are fighting in the bathroom, they will only be allowed to go in one at a time, and if someone isn't doing their assigned task, they'll have to miss the evening recreational activity.

3. Speaking of recreational activities, I know a lot of vocabulary games and I can say the whole Betty Botter tongue twister in 8.64 seconds. Oh, I almost forgot, I can play both parts to Chopsticks.

4. I have a box of band aides in the top drawer of my desk and I can handle just about any emergency from head lice to regurgitation. I can spend an entire rainy day in one room with 25 fourth graders, keep them all busy, and maintain my sanity.

5. I'm a non-smoker, but I will gladly bring along the contents of my liquor cabinet if you ask me to join you.

6. I'm the one in my household who deciphers those little booklets that come with the AV equipment. I can even program the VCR! I'm left handed, too. (I know that's two reasons, but I had to mention it).

7. I know how to sew and have saved a lot of fabric and patterns over the years. I even have some polyester double-knit, which will never wrinkle. Maybe someone on your staff has a leisure suit pattern.

8. I'm from Kansas and I saw "The Day After."

9. I'm not great at cooking, but I used to backpack a lot. I can work wonders with non-perishable foods. Anything that comes in an airtight bag and says, "just add water" fits right into my cooking repertoire.

And last, but not least, reason number 10.

I'm not born again, but I used to be so there's a good chance I would take up only half the space of the typical non-believer left behind after the rapture.

Now, I haven't had a small pox vaccination in 35 years and I don't have any duct tape or plastic sheeting, but don't hold that against me. Whenever I go to Home Depot I get side-tracked by silly things like ceiling fans and toilet tank repair kits. Please don't think I'm frivolous though, I've actually found good uses for those items.

I was kind of hoping all of this would come to a head before school starts in August because my under performing school is losing three teaching contracts. Classrooms could get pretty crowded with hungry kids who will no longer qualify for the free lunch program. You can see the urgency of my situation. Please call soon! 1-800 I'm da bom.

Sue Azizi

Sterile, sober and funny?

10. I've been trained as a mechanic for vehicles up to 5 tons. This training also included power generation. This may be useful to you as you come out of your alcohol-induced haze from deep underground and try to jumpstart an '89 Ford.

9. I'm a funny motherfucker. I'll poke fun at myself just to get a laugh. This could be helpful during the tension-filled times ahead.

8. I've worked as a teacher. Not everyone has the personality to fulfill this role well. This will come in handy when the wee ones start to arrive later.

7. I'm a decorated U.S. veteran of an elite force. Thus, I've had ungodly amounts of training in the use of firearms and assorted other weapons. Not to mention the proper use and care of chemical and biological gear. You never know what we might face when we come up to the surface. Be it a chemical or biological agent or an attack of the blob, I'm your man.

6. I've been trained by 2 Hawaiian Kahunas in the arts of herbal medecine and massage. I'm also self trained in acupressure. Granted, the only herbal medecine I know is Hawaiian herbs, but hey! If we decide to hop on a boat and sail there, we'll be all set!

5. I have O+ blood, thus am a universal donor. I don't know how much thought you've put into this aspect of survival, but if a birthing mother needs a transfusion - I can provide it! If someone gets injured defending the group from those horrible green things with 8 legs and 6 arms with the face of your mother and needs a transfusion - I can provide it! Just remember to withdraw less than 6 pints at a time.

4. I'm an accomplished fisherman having fished by land, by boat, scuba and skin. This might come in handy if all the land mammals have been either killed off or transmutated into horrible green things.

3. I'm well versed in the art of hunting - be it with a gun or a bow. I know how to clean the carcass and cut it up for easy packing back to camp. If there are some land mammals left that are fit to eat, this would come in very handy once all the canned goods are gone and all you city people who were in the bunker with me look at a deer and say 'Bambi'.