By New Times
By Robrt L. Pela
By Lauren Saria and Heather Hoch
By Deborah Sussman
By Robrt L. Pela and Amy Silverman
By Kathleen Vanesian
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch
Bite Me: You should have said something rotten to her in French to see if she understood. I always learn how to insult people first when I learn a new language. It's a great icebreaker. And helps you weed out the phonies. So what'd you eat tonight? How was it?
Daniel: Smoked salmon. It was nice but usually I eat burgers.
Bite Me: Why aren't you with a chick?
7353 E. Scottsdale Mall
Scottsdale, AZ 85251
Region: Central Scottsdale
Daniel: I don't have a chick.
Bite Me: Would you take one here if you had one?
Bite Me: Well, I'd date you. You have a job. You've got enough cash to take a chick to this place and you're probably a hot French lover. Too bad I'm gay. (Let Bite Me explain her response. She's friendly to her interview subjects to a fault it helps when she's trying to persuade folks to bare their souls but she draws the line at romantic entanglements, no matter what sort of killer quotes they might produce. It's just unethical, darnit. But so is lying, Bite Me's reader might respond. Ah, but your host and narrator was not fibbin' when she outed herself to Daniel. As all righteous gay folk will attest, if you've ever slept with someone of the same sex, you're gay. And her friend and one-night-stand Sue will vouch that Bite Me is a dyke just waiting to bloom. In the meantime, however, she's stuck on men. Just not the type at the other end of her tape recorder.)
Ann Saur and Brett Hackleman
Pharmaceutical rep and IBM programmer
Bite Me: So, Ann, you sell drugs?
Ann: I sell birth control.
Bite Me: That's good.
Ann: Well, my boyfriend certainly thinks so.
Bite Me: I bet he doesn't mind a bit when you take your work home with you. He's stoked. So what kind of birth control do you peddle?
Ann: Birth control pills, estrogen replacement and IUD.
Bite Me: IUDs. Wow. Oh my God, I didn't know people still used those. But I did read about it in a magazine recently.
Ann: Yeah, they do. It's on the upswing.
Bite Me: Do you have to travel?
Ann: I have a pretty small territory, just a sliver of Phoenix.
Bite Me: And they love you because you're giving them free drugs. You guys come with gifts with pharmaceutical logos and the docs probably snag some of them for themselves. (Bite Me has always wanted to get a job selling Vicodin.)
Bite Me: So do you have any in your purse?
Ann: My car is loaded up with it.
Bite Me: Do you use it?
Ann: Yeah, I use my own product.
Bite Me: What would you recommend for me?
Ann: Yasmin birth control. (Bite Me fondly remembers taking trips to the free clinic in Lodi while she was in high school. She had to go there so her family doctor didn't know she was, ya know, doing it. She'd get her birth control pills and condoms. Her best friend at the time went with her and would always get extra stuff, and last Bite Me heard she's still going there even though she now makes over $80K. And shit, she's insured, so what's it cost, like 10 or 15 bucks? I mean, Jesus.)
Bite Me: Oh, that's the new one. It helps with PMS stuff.
Ann: It has a diuretic for bloating and the best in the market for acne and the best in the market for PMS.
Bite Me: God really is a woman.
Ann: Oh, it's a miracle. Most people do really well on it.
Bite Me: So would you rather have a woman or a man for your gynecologist?
Ann: Women in general can relate to problems we have, but there are so many guys out there who are on the same level.
Bite Me: In my opinion, all male gynecologists need is some sensitivity training and to understand that PMS is real and needs to be controlled. I'm a bitch on wheels once a month. I get out all my aggression but then I spend the rest of the month being overly nice to make up for it. So how long have you two been together?
Brett: Five months.
Ann: More like three.
Brett: Well, we've known each other for three years. We used to work together.
Bite Me: Do you fix her computer for free?
Brett: Of course.
Bite Me: Right now I could use a friend with computer know-how. My computer crashed and I lost all my files. It was a sheer delight. Seems the thing had been sick since August of last year. Apparently you need to take it in just like a sick child or it dies. Do people ask you that all the time?
Brett: Yeah, all the time. They do, yeah.
Bite Me: You kind of look like Val Kilmer. Do people tell you that?
Ann: I think he looks like Prince William.
Bite Me: You're right, he kinda does. He's got that definitive bone structure. So are you guys the same age?
Brett: She's much younger.
Bite Me: So when did you know "this person is it"?
Brett: We don't.