By Heather Hoch
By Eric Schaefer
By New Times
By Rachel Miller
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch and Lauren Saria
By Robrt L. Pela
By Heather Hoch
After her St. Paddy's Day whiskey and cabbage fest, the last thing Bite Me needed was another Bushmill's hangover. But for weeks her editor had been bugging her about some place down by Arizona State University, Casey Moore's Oyster House. He kept going on about how it was time Bite Me got her sorry ass down to Tempe and quit working the joints within five minutes of her apartment, blah, blah, blah. That bastard.
Arriving before her trusty photographer, Bite Me perused the menu and got comfy. The waitress certainly wasn't impressed by her reporter's notebook and tape recorder. In fact, she passed by three times before bothering to get Bite Me's order of a mai tai and escargots.
Yes, snails. Oh, shut up. Bite Me has a driving need to learn to like fancy food even if it kills her. She's always looking to make a deposit in her class account. A fondness for escargots could turn her life around. Look what it did for Julia Roberts!
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Bite Me's trusty shutterbug finally showed up, and the duo dashed off to scout out victims. She found table after table of drunk and happy folks. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But perhaps not as much fun.
Then your ever-lovin' host was temporarily blinded by the flashing light reflected by the rock sitting on a blonde's ring finger. Always a sucker for a girl's best friend, Bite Me dashed to the source of the shine. To her utter delight, she found a madhouse on the back patio. There was a raging rehearsal dinner party going on with the lot of them liquored up and ready to babble on and on. Your narrator entered cautiously and was quickly welcomed as if she were an invited guest. They even started calling her names and smacking her around. They tried to buy her drinks all night and it became downright difficult to keep declining. Turns out the happy couple had had their first date at Casey Moore's and thought it only fitting to celebrate their union there. These were Bite Me's kinda people. So she dove right into their private party and left with a wedding invitation and way too much information. Don't worry, you get just the highlights.
Dentist and Process Engineer, Intel
Bite Me: What's your deal, Mr. Man?
Doc: How long's this gonna take?
Bite Me: Two minutes, not long, but hey, what do you gotta do, catch a bus or something? What do you do for a living?
Doc: I'm a dentist.
Bite Me: You're a dentist. Really? What kind?
Doc: Really. I'm an implantologist. Not boobs, but teeth.
Bite Me: Is that a good business?
Doc: It's terrible. I hate it.
Bite Me: Why, dude? You can prescribe Vicodin. I hope you help your friends out if they're, uh, in pain. But seriously, what's your story? Everyone's swarming around you. Are you Mr. Popularity?
Doc: Nah, I'm a bench warmer. How long is this gonna take?
Bite Me: Three minutes. Lord, you people are in such a hurry. Listen, hate me all you want, just keep your venom to a minimum. Negative energy makes me sleepy.
Doc: All right.
Bite Me: Thanks. So, how did you meet the groom-to-be-tomorrow?
Doc: I met him and his sister the same night. Then I started dating his sister.
(Doc takes this opportunity to grab the blonde bombshell sister standing nearby.)
Bite Me: Is that weird, dating your friend's sister? That's kind of like incest. But his sister's pretty hot. Was he your gateway buddy to get to the hot chick?
Doc: No, I dated her because I wanted to get closer to him. He's hot. You can write that. But I like girls. I'm hetero.
Joanna: I can vouch for him. I lost my virginity to him.
Doc: Question number two, please!
Bite Me: Did you lose your virginity to her, Doctor Love?
Doc: I lost my virginity, mmm-hmmm.
Bite Me: Where'd you meet the groom?
Doc: It was a late night and drinks were being had. At a club we all three met and that same night we all went home together.
Bite Me: Hang on. How'd that go?
Doc: We did everything you could do, everything you could imagine. Use your imagination.
Bite Me: Maybe later. For God's sake, what are you drinking?
Bite Me: Shut up.
Doc: With some wine. Actually, I like Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Bite Me: Are you trash?
Bite Me: Are you white trash?
Doc: I am. My home is a trailer.
Bite Me: Well, it worked for Eminem.
Doc: And I speak three languages.
Bite Me: Really?
Joanna: He does. German, Yugoslavian and Greek.
Bite Me: Wow. He's quite a catch. A trilingual dentist who can prescribe Vicodin.
Doc: Vicodin is a way of life.
Bite Me: Amen to that.
Doc: Vicodin is the best vitamin ever. No, really! You want some? I've got an extra nitrous tank in my car.
Bite Me: Oh, God! That brings back memories. What do you think about putting people to sleep for procedures?