By Heather Hoch
By Eric Schaefer
By New Times
By Rachel Miller
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch and Lauren Saria
By Robrt L. Pela
By Heather Hoch
Doc: It's great. My policy is one for you, one for me.
Bite Me: All righty, then. Do you floss regularly?
Doc: Every day.
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Bite Me: What toothpaste do you recommend?
Doc: I can't say that.
Bite Me: How about toothbrushes? Which one is the best?
Doc: Sonic Care.
Bite Me: So how long did you two date?
Joanna: A year and a half.
Doc: Then she dumped me.
Bite Me: Good for you, darlin'.
Joanna: We dumped each other.
Bite Me: She's good-looking and generous.
Joanna: I never stopped liking him, we just sort of . . . it just ended. He's still around all the time.
Bite Me: As long as he gives you the free dental work, I say keep him around.
Bite Me: So you're the lucky bride-to-be? Your friends are scaring me. Come with me to a quiet place so I can calm my nerves.
Meredith: Oh, of course.
Bite Me: Now let's dish. I spotted you across the courtyard when you lifted your hand. That ring freakin' blinded me. It just screams out "someone loves me soooo much and aren't you jealous?"
Meredith: Oh, thank you. It is beautiful. He did a good job.
Bite Me: So what do you do for a living?
Meredith: I'm a teacher in the Gilbert school district. I teach third graders, language arts and reading. It's a great job. I love it. This is my third year.
Bite Me: You look really young. Should you be drinking?
Meredith: Oh, thank you. No, I'm 29.
Bite Me: You look younger. Do you use sunscreen? Or do you just have good genes?
Meredith: I do have good genes. And it's from not partying too much now. But I did in my youth.
Bite Me: So you're getting married on a Friday? That's weird, isn't it?
Meredith: We tried to do it on a Saturday but they were booked up until May. And we wanted it to coincide with spring break so I could have more time off. So Friday it is, more time for our honeymoon and more relaxing. And everyone has to take a mandatory personal day. (Bite Me has noticed a tremendous number of folks who are going with their own thang for their weddings. Have you seen them Krispy Kreme doughnut towers you can opt to use instead of a wedding cake? How freakin' low-budget can you get? But she has to say that a Friday night wedding sounds kick-ass. Then you get the whole weekend to throw a big party for your guests. Bite Me's favorite wedding ever was her cousin Amy's in Michigan. The bride and groom did karaoke to theGrease soundtrack and everyone learned the Macarena while downing shots of Jack Daniel's. Then the weekend was spent water-skiing and playing sloshball. Screw that whole white dress, stiff priest, pastel bridesmaid dresses and rubber chicken nightmare that always ends up with some stupid relation destroying "I Will Always Love You." Folks deserve some fun for the cash they're dishin' out for wedding gifts these days.)
Bite Me: You guys have a lot of friends here. Rehearsal dinners are usually not this well-attended.
Meredith: It makes you feel so loved when people come from so far away.
Bite Me: Doesn't it suck that you have all your favorite people here at the same time but you're such a superstar that you have to dash around to everyone's table and never really get to hang with any of them?
Meredith: I know.
Bite Me: So it's a big day tomorrow. Are you a bride from hell?
Meredith: No. Am I?
Bite Me: Not from where I'm sitting, darlin'. Do you feel like a superstar?
Meredith: Neither one of us need to be in the spotlight.
Bite Me: But you have no choice because that's your big day. Work it, baby! (Meredith is a peach, and Bite Me hopes her Friday night wedding is a rager. But speaking of brides from hell, could someone please explain to Bite Me the reason Jaimee Rose -- the breathless dipshit who tells us whatwe're thinking every week in theRepublic's sad excuse for a fashion supplement,YES -- thinks anyone gives a rat's ass about her high-class wedding cake, frosting samples and the wax seals on her wedding invites? Who does this be-yatch think she is? Lady Freaking Di? Honey, with a name spelled that cute, the chickee oughta think about playing down her lah-dee-frickin-dah ways.)
Bite Me: Hey there! You're not losing a son, you're gaining a daughter-in-law.
Steve: I am. I'm a lucky guy. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful son.
Bite Me: You are hangin' with these little pipsqueaks quite well. Are you a fun dad?
Steve: I think so.
Bite Me: Are you married?
Steve: I am. My wife's right over there. We've been married for almost 30 years.
Bite Me: Are you a proponent of "'til death do you part"?
Steve: Of course.
Bite Me: Did you drive tonight, sir, or ride your bicycle? (She was pleasantly surprised to find a bountiful row of bicycles against the fence as she entered the patio area. The door dude told her that people did indeed ride their bikes there so as to avoid drivin' drunk. Ah, memories. Educated at UC-Santa Barbara, Bite Me didn't drive a car for a year as she was able to rely completely on her beach cruiser. Them was the days. Though, when she graduated, they were in the midst of passing a law against riding your bike drunk. Freakin' Nazis.)
Steve: What? I drove.
Bite Me: Can you lick your elbow?
Steve: I never tried.
Bite Me: Ten bucks you give it a whirl when you get home tonight. It's a sure thing. That's my puddle-deep wisdom for the day. Adios, padre!
As parlayed to Marnye Kaye Oppenheim