By New Times
By Robrt L. Pela
By Lauren Saria and Heather Hoch
By Deborah Sussman
By Robrt L. Pela and Amy Silverman
By Kathleen Vanesian
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch
Bite Me will be honest with y'all. She ain't always on time. She's been known to be late. Like frequently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she always, always intends to be prompt and means to arrive at a predetermined location at an agreed-upon time. Seems, though, that there's always some barrier standing in her way. Gunfights. Missing buttons. Broken stilettos. Too much pre-partyin'. Half-hour too long in the sack. You get the picture. So, as bad luck would have it, Bite Me arrived at the House of Tricks minutes late and her photographic sidekick was nowhere in sight. She is easygoing to a fault, so she just planted her ass at the bar (big trauma for her, ya know) and waited. After about a half-hour, she called Emily. Seems Emily had come and seen no sign of Bite Me and waited a few minutes and then went home. Problem is, without a shutterbug, Bite Me can't bother interviewing folks since, well, hey, you all need to see what these fools who chat with her look like. So she called her, uh-huh, new friend Elaine and told her to get her ass on over to House of Tricks. Elaine zipped on over with her digital camera. Then Emily came back. What was Bite Me to do? She ended up forgiving Emily for bolting and buying Elaine a shitload of drinks. Bite Me is well aware that she behaves like a princess at times. But hell, she does want to be a good girl, so she'll try to be on time for Em next time. Odds are, though, something will happen. Doesn't it always?
Anyhoo, on to House of Tricks. What a cool freakin' place it turned out to be! It's like an adventure. There's this spacious courtyard all lit with oh-isn't-everyone-so-beautiful candles and dim lamps. And an outdoor bar. SCORE! Isn't there something about an outdoor bar that just brings some dignity to getting liquored? You're breathing in that fresh air and smelling the trees as you gaze up at the stars. You're not an alcoholic. You're a woman who appreciates nature and the beautiful climate of Tempe. Find fault with that, if you dare. Bite Me had such a good time she can't really remember the tail end of it. She only knows that she must have ordered something to eat, because she woke up the next morning with some of it left in her teeth. By the taste of it, she must have enjoyed some fine Angus sirloin with wild mushroom sauce and swanky Gorgonzola butter. Yum. She's definitely goin' back. Perhaps even on time.
114 E. 7th St.
Tempe, AZ 85281
Bite Me: Listen, freakboy, uh, why you got sunglasses on?
Patrick: I'm on crack. (Pat didn't really strike Bite Me as the crackhead sort. But hey, she's been wrong before.)
Bite Me: What are you doing here?
Jyll: It's so beautiful here. Where are you from? (Bite Me knows you're quickly jumping to the conclusion that Jyll is trippin'. She ain't. She's just a happy gal.)
Bite Me: Right on. You interview me. Super. I love it. Well, I moved here from L.A. in January.
Jyll: I'm gonna move to L.A.
Bite Me: Why on Earth are you moving to L.A.?
Jyll: Because I wanna be there.
Bite Me: Well, yeah, but why?
Jyll: Because that's where it's at. I wanna get into advertising, promotions, marketing.
Bite Me: Listen, you just named a whole bunch of stuff. You need to get focused, girl. (Bite Me met more than her share of folks such as Jyll and they end up, well, waiting tables. Focus. Focus. Focus.)
Jyll: I wanna make something of myself.
Patrick: I'm going with her. (Pat's that dude who just fell hard for the chick in the dorm and he's not gonna give up without a knock-down drag-out. He kids but he is utterly serious about his devotion to Jyll.)
Bite Me: You guys have a chemistry. You hate it. I hate it, but I just know you have it.
Patrick: No. We're just friends. Hey, I'm a former student. I write screenplays. It's real easy to get out of ASU. (Yeah. Bite Me is sure this dude just sailed through college. Seems so scholarly, don't he?)
Bite Me: Is it?
Patrick: It is.
Bite Me: What do you wanna do? Do you wanna work in the movie business? Jesus. And you, Jyll, c'mon, don't be a dumb-ass chick. You have to know what you want to do.
Patrick: L.A. is dead, baby. Dead as dreams. (Uh, what? Bite Me can only speak for herself, but her dreams ain't dead, baby. Dude's a wee young to be givin' up on a city he ain't ever been to.)
Bite Me: It is really tough to make it there.
Patrick: L.A. is high dollar, man.
Bite Me: Have you ever lived there?
Patrick: Don't need to live there. I watch Cops. I mean, c'mon, how many cop shows are filmed in L.A.? So how long were you in L.A.? (Uh, then why does Patty wanna go there?)