By Heather Hoch
By Eric Schaefer
By New Times
By Rachel Miller
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch and Lauren Saria
By Robrt L. Pela
By Heather Hoch
Bite Me: Back up, buddy, you drank cough syrup?
Dusty: Yeah. Actually, my parents are pretty funny. When we did something wrong, my mom would threaten us with a bullwhip because she trained horses and stuff.
Bite Me: I like your mom. (Bite Me's mom used to wash her mouth out with soap. Liquid soap. Bite Me blew bubbles for days afterward. It was, uh, ineffective.)
Dusty: We were evil kids, ya know. My parents thought I'd be a big drinker because the rest of my family are big drinkers, so to minimize the risk, they told me I was allergic to alcohol. And a couple of days later they found out that I took those two bottles. And I told them they should punish themselves because they'd told me I was allergic to alcohol and "I'm not dead. So shame on you."
Bite Me: Well, dang it all, Dusty, what'd they say to that?
Dusty: They didn't say anything. I was 14.
Bite Me: You glide with pride, man. Go on with your bad self.
Ray Hastey, Lisa Pendergast, Dottie Lulick
Helium balloon company owner, interior decorator, massage student
Bite Me: Where you from, blue eyes?
Ray: Dallas, Texas. But my eyes are green.
Bite Me: Huh! How come you ain't got no accent?
Ray: I do got an accent. I lost it when I first moved out here. It'll come out here in a minute.
Bite Me: You oughta have much more beer by this time of night.
Ray: Yeah, but it's a Monday.
Bite Me: Fuckin' A. Do you know what a pain it is to have to work on a Monday night? That's my night to kick it, stay home and get some prayin' done. So what do you do?
Ray: I sell [helium balloons] to car dealerships, apartment complexes, anyone who needs any kind of advertising.
Bite Me: So, how'd you meet these two hot chicks you're hangin' with?
Ray: I met Lisa here through my balloon business. She worked for an apartment complex that I was servicing.
Lisa: And we love Flicka's. I used to play pool for Flicka. Flicka used to sponsor my team.
Bite Me: Oh, you rock! Will you be my friend?
Lisa: I will be your friend.
Bite Me: I'll play pool with you. So what're you guys up to tonight?
Ray: Partyin'. Havin' a good time.
Bite Me: And you're hangin' with the hot chicks. Otherwise, I wouldn't be talking to you. Are any of you guys married?
Lisa: We're all married to each other.
Bite Me: I hear they're easy on polygamy in these parts.
Lisa: This interview is over.
Bite Me: I've always wanted someone to say that to me. Say it again, Lisa!
Lisa: This interview is over. (Bite Me took this opportunity to accost a couple of dudes sitting nearby at the bar. One of the dudes asked if she worked for "that stripper newspaper." She slugged him. Then she challenged him to a duel. He said demurely, "I would let you beat me up. And down and up and down and up and down." Bite Me then dragged the guy outside and jumped him, wrapping her legs around him and performed her masterful kick-'til-they-drop maneuver. He did drop. Bite Me's not sure if he was just blowin' smoke up her arse, but the man got dust on his bum. And yes, Bite Me had indulged in some of the classic Cinco de Mayo beverage of choice. Shocka Shocka!)
Bite Me: I'm back now, Miss Lisa. So how long you been here tonight?
Lisa: An hour.
Bite Me: Are you a local?
Lisa: I'm a native, born and raised in Scottsdale.
Bite Me: So tell me, when should I use my A/C?
Bite Me: Good to hear because I use it all the time. I'm frickin' melting here and dammit, it's gonna be cold in my home.
Bite Me: So who's your blonde bombshell buddy here?
Dottie: I'm Dottie. Just Dottie.
Bite Me: Like Madonna.
Dottie: Or Cher.
Bite Me: So what line of work are you in, pretty woman?
Dottie: I'm in massage therapy school.
Bite Me: Shut the fuck up!
Dottie: That's on the tape, you know.
Bite Me: No shit! So, aren't you afraid that people you massage will want to have sex with you? 'Cause you're really hot.
Dottie: I hope they wanna have sex with me.
Bite Me: I applied to massage school twice.
Dottie: Wait! You applied to massage school and you didn't get in?
Bite Me: No, girl. I totally got in. Doesn't everyone? But it was just really expensive.
Dottie: My school is great, run by a couple. She was in a coma for three months. When she came out, that's when he went into holistic medicine.
Bite Me: A lot of people don't believe in all that hocus-pocus.
Bite Me: Exactly. This massage school I went to briefly in Santa Barbara advocated drinking your own urine as the answer to any ailment. I bolted when they started pressuring me to take a Big Gulp cup to the latrine. Urine is waste, man. So, hey, how do you know one of your clients won't jump you?