By Heather Hoch
By Eric Schaefer
By New Times
By Rachel Miller
By Eric Schaefer
By Heather Hoch and Lauren Saria
By Robrt L. Pela
By Heather Hoch
Bite Me had her sights set on Dos Gringos and was en route when she received a call from trusty photog Em. Seems Em had planted her buns at a place called Flicka's and felt it was plenty worthy of a visit from yours truly. Bite Me's about as pliable as string cheese, therefore found herself at the Baja-style cantina.
Teeming with paaarty girls-n-boys aplenty, Flicka's was all that and a bunch of pop-tarts. Everyone in the place looked to be of the age Bite Me coulda baby-sat in her day. And yes indeed, a multitude of parents have trusted Bite Me with their children. Seems she can relate to them fantastically and is well-trained in CPR and first aid. Anyway, back to the present: At Flicka's there's this outdoor patio just jam-packed with ragin' kids and they're ordering up Coronas like tomorrow ain't comin'. There's also a whole lotta them chicks who think they're so hard-core ordering a shot glass of tequila coated with salt and accompanied by a juicy lime. A lame dude is buying them for the scantily clad betties and they're all poised and ready to knock 'em back. Aforementioned lame fella says "girls and shots, girls and shots" and the betties get busy, throwing the booze back. They're so arrrrrrrrr, like they've just been hit with a hammer. Bite Me yearns for the day when a shot the size of a thimble could curl her toes. Alas, Bite Me snagged a weary waitress and ordered a stiff Cadillac margarita. Sucking it down, she took a deep breath and set about engagin' these freaks. Nutshell? The place was like a spring break gone awry, oozing with young girls and dudes all styled according to the latest fashion magazines and just reeking of rookie drinker. Every chick had a tequila shot and a lime. Every guy had a condom and a dream. Chicken wings disappeared by the pound. It was just the kind of place you could go, disappear and forget that you graduated from college a waaay long time ago. Bite Me dug it plenty.
Works for a pest control company
Dusty: Tomorrow's my birthday.
Bite Me: No shit! Lucky you! So how long you been drinking today?
Dusty: Two hours.
Bite Me: How's that workin' out for ya?
Dusty: (taking a swig of beer) Great!
Bite Me: Listen, buster, don't you go trying to drive tonight. I saw five cops on the way here and there are two perched across the street just waaaaiting for you to peel out of here sideways.
Dusty: I've got a designated driver.
Bite Me: Where do you get those? I can never find those guys.
Dusty: I actually switch off and on.
Bite Me: I guess that's it, I'd never want to be the switch-on chick. So, hey, Cinco de Mayo is the day before your birthday. Do you feel like you get a free pre-party? Like we're all out celebrating just the thought of your birth?
Dusty: Kinda. I started at noon today and then it just translated over to a bar and now we're at Flicka's. WE'RE AT FLICKA'S!!! (Dusty did indeed belt this out somewhat loudly. God love the little fella.)
Bite Me: Yeah, buddy. WE'RE AT FLICKA'S. (Bite Me matched him decibel for decibel.)
Dusty: I thank my mom for holding out for one day and having me at 12:06 on the Sixth.
Bite Me: Righteous. So what's your drink of choice?
Dusty: I usually go with Corona, but I also like rum and Coke.
Bite Me: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Dusty: I was 14.
Bite Me: Sweet God.
Dusty: I got drunk in the weirdest way, though -- we started drinking cough syrup and I thought, ya know, I'm a little sick and there's the liquor cabinet. So I took two bottles of liquor and went over to a friend's house where we drank it all.
Bite Me: So far this ain't real weird. But hey, don't you steal a lot when you're a kid? (Bite Me got busted for stealing booze once when she opted to lift a quart of Kahlúa from her parents' liquor cabinet. She stashed it in her locker at school to take over to her friend's that night. Trouble was, her locker-mate didn't know it was there and while attempting to find a book dropped the bag with the Kahlúa in it on the floor. Crash. Smash. And stink like you've never smelled. Bite Me did her best to gather the remnants and rushed to algebra. Everyone in the classroom started doin' that slow, contagious sniffing thing 'til finally the teacher nailed her for freakin' reekin' of Kahlúa. The bite of it is that, though it appeared she'd bathed in the shit, she didn't swallow one gulp. Bite Me!) I used to water it down, too.
Dusty: I would think "adults drink this crap." And then a couple of hours later, I'd be like, "Hey, man, what's happening? What's going on?"
Bite Me: Back up, buddy, you drank cough syrup?
Dusty: Yeah. Actually, my parents are pretty funny. When we did something wrong, my mom would threaten us with a bullwhip because she trained horses and stuff.
Bite Me: I like your mom. (Bite Me's mom used to wash her mouth out with soap. Liquid soap. Bite Me blew bubbles for days afterward. It was, uh, ineffective.)
Dusty: We were evil kids, ya know. My parents thought I'd be a big drinker because the rest of my family are big drinkers, so to minimize the risk, they told me I was allergic to alcohol. And a couple of days later they found out that I took those two bottles. And I told them they should punish themselves because they'd told me I was allergic to alcohol and "I'm not dead. So shame on you."
Bite Me: Well, dang it all, Dusty, what'd they say to that?
Dusty: They didn't say anything. I was 14.
Bite Me: You glide with pride, man. Go on with your bad self.
Ray Hastey, Lisa Pendergast, Dottie Lulick
Helium balloon company owner, interior decorator, massage student
Bite Me: Where you from, blue eyes?
Ray: Dallas, Texas. But my eyes are green.
Bite Me: Huh! How come you ain't got no accent?
Ray: I do got an accent. I lost it when I first moved out here. It'll come out here in a minute.
Bite Me: You oughta have much more beer by this time of night.
Ray: Yeah, but it's a Monday.
Bite Me: Fuckin' A. Do you know what a pain it is to have to work on a Monday night? That's my night to kick it, stay home and get some prayin' done. So what do you do?
Ray: I sell [helium balloons] to car dealerships, apartment complexes, anyone who needs any kind of advertising.
Bite Me: So, how'd you meet these two hot chicks you're hangin' with?
Ray: I met Lisa here through my balloon business. She worked for an apartment complex that I was servicing.
Lisa: And we love Flicka's. I used to play pool for Flicka. Flicka used to sponsor my team.
Bite Me: Oh, you rock! Will you be my friend?
Lisa: I will be your friend.
Bite Me: I'll play pool with you. So what're you guys up to tonight?
Ray: Partyin'. Havin' a good time.
Bite Me: And you're hangin' with the hot chicks. Otherwise, I wouldn't be talking to you. Are any of you guys married?
Lisa: We're all married to each other.
Bite Me: I hear they're easy on polygamy in these parts.
Lisa: This interview is over.
Bite Me: I've always wanted someone to say that to me. Say it again, Lisa!
Lisa: This interview is over. (Bite Me took this opportunity to accost a couple of dudes sitting nearby at the bar. One of the dudes asked if she worked for "that stripper newspaper." She slugged him. Then she challenged him to a duel. He said demurely, "I would let you beat me up. And down and up and down and up and down." Bite Me then dragged the guy outside and jumped him, wrapping her legs around him and performed her masterful kick-'til-they-drop maneuver. He did drop. Bite Me's not sure if he was just blowin' smoke up her arse, but the man got dust on his bum. And yes, Bite Me had indulged in some of the classic Cinco de Mayo beverage of choice. Shocka Shocka!)
Bite Me: I'm back now, Miss Lisa. So how long you been here tonight?
Lisa: An hour.
Bite Me: Are you a local?
Lisa: I'm a native, born and raised in Scottsdale.
Bite Me: So tell me, when should I use my A/C?
Bite Me: Good to hear because I use it all the time. I'm frickin' melting here and dammit, it's gonna be cold in my home.
Bite Me: So who's your blonde bombshell buddy here?
Dottie: I'm Dottie. Just Dottie.
Bite Me: Like Madonna.
Dottie: Or Cher.
Bite Me: So what line of work are you in, pretty woman?
Dottie: I'm in massage therapy school.
Bite Me: Shut the fuck up!
Dottie: That's on the tape, you know.
Bite Me: No shit! So, aren't you afraid that people you massage will want to have sex with you? 'Cause you're really hot.
Dottie: I hope they wanna have sex with me.
Bite Me: I applied to massage school twice.
Dottie: Wait! You applied to massage school and you didn't get in?
Bite Me: No, girl. I totally got in. Doesn't everyone? But it was just really expensive.
Dottie: My school is great, run by a couple. She was in a coma for three months. When she came out, that's when he went into holistic medicine.
Bite Me: A lot of people don't believe in all that hocus-pocus.
Bite Me: Exactly. This massage school I went to briefly in Santa Barbara advocated drinking your own urine as the answer to any ailment. I bolted when they started pressuring me to take a Big Gulp cup to the latrine. Urine is waste, man. So, hey, how do you know one of your clients won't jump you?
Dottie: I used to work for lawyers and they're like that anyway. At least you're getting paid for it.
Bite Me: You'll make a fortune here with all the resorts and spas.
Dottie: No. I met this girl who trains all the girls at Babe's. She told me they've got a room for me because they've got a lot of money to spend. I will be so enamored. The strippers are gonna pay me to touch them. How awesome is that? I'm gonna massage strippers and they'll pay me to do it.
Bite Me: Have you seen the chicks at Skin? Maybe you should try that place out.
Dottie: You're right, they're hot. Strippers make a lot of money and they like to be spoiled.
Lisa: You're not doing an article. You just wanna talk to us.
Bite Me: I don't know about all that, but I assure you I'm frighteningly legitimate. I get paid to do this.
Lisa: I think you're a stalker.
Bite Me: You wish. So, does Dottie play pool?
Lisa: She tries.
Dottie: I beat Ray.
Lisa: Listen, you never admit that you play well because that's the time you're gonna suck.
Bite Me: It's like anything. If you say you rock, you're gonna suck.
-- As parlayed to Marnye Kaye Oppenheim