Get Me to the Church One Time

The Matchmaker will find your true love

Wills: I do a criminal background check on each client. I can't, unfortunately, check for idiosyncrasies. I can't check for stuff they haven't been arrested for. I have a good sense of people, though, and I've learned to tighten up my rules.

NT: What if your client maybe just has a bunch of parking tickets?

Wills: No big deal. What I'm looking for is DUIs, bankruptcies, judgments, liens, deadbeat dads. Someone who has stalked his last three girlfriends. People who have something to hide will disappear after I mention the background check.

Wills you marry me: Bonnie the Matchmaker.
Emily Piraino
Wills you marry me: Bonnie the Matchmaker.

NT: Your Web site claims, "Our clients have no trouble getting dates." So why do they need you?

Wills: If a person has a problem getting a date, there's something -- probably psychological -- that they need to address about themselves. Most normal, healthy people can get a date. If they can't, there's some other issue. My clients are usually working too many hours to sit on the Internet, or go to bars, or to go out with a person three or four times to find out the person isn't right for them. I do the screening so they can have fun.

NT: But someone who's that busy might make a lousy spouse -- they'd never be around! Don't people get married so that they'll have someone to watch TV with?

Wills: You're kidding, right?

NT: Maybe. Do you do arranged marriages?

Wills: I think there are plenty of positive things to say about arranged marriages. Don't laugh. Arranged marriages are rare these days, but they used to be done between two families with similar economic and moral values, who related well with one another. And those marriages usually stuck together, because they were between people already on the same level. The families were already bonded. This won't work in today's Hollywood-based society, where people want to fall in love with fireworks and violin music in the background.

NT: Do you do homos?

Wills: I would have no problem with matching up gay people, but I don't have a resource for them. It would be no different in terms of the questionnaire or the interview. As far as gay marriage, the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. There's no reason for this discrimination. Most gay couples have been together longer than straight couples.

NT: Everyone wants to be married. But what about just being lonely as an option?

Wills: Not everyone is meant to be married. You have to get happy with yourself before you can do it. Everyone's parents want them to grow up and get married; however, not everyone needs to be married. When people come to me in their 40s or 50s, I think, "Why'd you let your prime years go by?" They're so into living on their own, why would they want to change that at this point?

NT: I'm guessing you don't tell potential clients this.

Wills: Not me. I've been fixing up people all my life. I'll be that little old lady on the porch in a rocking chair yelling, "Honey, I've got someone for you! Granted, he lives in Southeast Asia, but not to worry. It's a small world."

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$2,000.00 for ONE "date" with a 70 yr. old was all I received after 8 months with Bonnie the Matchmaker. Giving Bonnie Wills my money was a big mistake. My advise? Stay away. Far, far away.