The Ultimate Rock Fantasy

Behold, underachieving, Internet-surfing cubicle-dweller of corporate America: Your next great workplace distraction awaits. For we have invented it: Fantasy Rock Stars.

Fantasy Rock Stars aims to combine two of modern society's most debilitating obsessions -- celebrity worship and fantasy sports -- into one fabulous national pastime. For the uninitiated, the latter involves rounding up eight to 12 of your nerdiest friends and "drafting" individuals -- they can be baseball, football or basketball players, or, for irony aficionados, NASCAR drivers -- until you've got a virtual "team."

After naming said "team" something amusing (such as 2 Live Croutons), you then receive points each week, based on the stats those players accrue. You also robustly question your opponents' masculinity -- for it is invariably masculinity -- via online message boards.

What's your score?
Norman Dog
What's your score?

Thus, in Fantasy Rock Stars, instead of touchdowns or home runs, your drafted team of divas, punks and indie-rock sacred cows racks up points for boneheaded press quotes, sex scandals, unseemly cover songs, violent altercations and onstage mental breakdowns.

Below is a rough scoring system. Consider it a work in progress designed to halt progress on your actual work.

Divas (Britney, Beyoncé, X-tina, Janet, Avril)

· Oversexed magazine cover (10 points)

· Subsequent disgust over exploitative nature of said magazine cover (20)

· Tryst with back-up dancer (50)

· Drastic new hair style (5)

· Ludicrously knuckleheaded political statement (15)

· Really bad movie (35)

· Breast-augmentation rumors (90)

· Publication of obviously ghostwritten novel/memoir (40)

· Stalker convicted (20)

· Oprah appearance (-15)

· Neptunes collaboration (-55)

· That-chick-from-4 Non Blondes collaboration (-60)

· "Wardrobe malfunction" (8,000)

Deified, Largely Inactive Old Bands (Led Zeppelin, the Pixies, Joy Division, Gang of Four, the Ramones)

· Threaten to reunite (20 points)

· Do reunite (100)

· Appear in public weighing three times what they did in 1985 (-50)

· Member dies (50)

· Cash-grab "new" CD/DVD/boxed set (35)

· Car commercial (75)

· Hot new band obviously rips them off (15)

· Terrible tribute album released (30)

· Terrible side project released (40)

· Hot actress publicly wears old tour tee shirt (25)

· Publication of tell-all biography (10)

· Rock-critic lamentation that "There will never be another ______" (5)

· Sampled by underground hip-hop dudes (55)

Rap Kingpins (50 Cent, Nas, Lil Jon, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg)

· Shot by someone (20 points)

· Shoots someone (40)

· Debuts clothing line (-15)

· Instigates corny feud (25)

· Sucks up to Suge Knight (1)

· Disses Suge Knight (5)

· Killed by Suge Knight (12,000)

· Changes name/persona -- a.k.a. "The MF Doom" (10)

· "Retires" (50)

· Criticized by Bill Cosby/presidential candidate/religious leader (75)

· Releases duet with new girlfriend (15)

· Lousy part in action movie (-25)

· Hot new track that is clearly an ad ("Pass the Courvoisier") (-250)

Rock Gods (Springsteen, Thom Yorke, Bono, Jack White, dude from Coldplay, Dave Matthews, Eddie Vedder)

· Pontificates at high-profile benefit concert (10 points)

· Scores cover of Time/Newsweek (100)

· Sexuality openly questioned (5)

· Gains sudden political consciousness (35)

· Lauded for saving rock/hip-hop/the children/the world (25)

· Disses George W. Bush (1)

· Abrupt conversion to Scientology (175)

· Assumes Jesus Christ pose (50)

· Has song in shitty romantic-comedy movie (-50)

· Names kid "Apple" (-600)

Wimpy-Ass Singer-Songwriters (Ryan Adams, Conor Oberst, John Mayer, modern-day Beck)

· ODs (100 points)

· Writer's block (10)

· Reverse writer's block (more than two albums in a year) (20)

· Dating actress (35)

· Dating Winona (75)

· Embarrassing cameo on The O.C. (30)

· Dies romantically (200)

· Photographed shirtless (5)

· Trashes hotel room (ironic) (-100)

· Trashes hotel room (sincere) (1,000)

· Compared in print to Nick Drake (5), Jeff Buckley (15), Elliott Smith (20), Gram Parsons (30), Elvis Costello (40), Bob Dylan (50)

Young Punks (New Found Glory, Sum 41, blink-182, the Ataris, Something Corporate, MxPx, Thursday, Thrice)

· Horrible cover song (10 points)

· Lyrical reference to band popular before singer was born (60)

· Contrived "bratty" behavior (2.5)

· Releases entire album about singer's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend (20)

· Publicly admired by old-guard punk rockers (40)

· Publicly insulted by old-guard punk rockers (80)

· Plays Warped Tour (0.0025)

· Refers to next album as "harder" (10), "bluesier" (20), "more psychedelic" (40), "acoustic" (80), "experimental" (-50), "electronic" (100), "crunk" (50,000)

-- By Rob Harvilla

 
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