The Ultimate Rock Fantasy

Behold, underachieving, Internet-surfing cubicle-dweller of corporate America: Your next great workplace distraction awaits. For we have invented it: Fantasy Rock Stars.

Fantasy Rock Stars aims to combine two of modern society's most debilitating obsessions -- celebrity worship and fantasy sports -- into one fabulous national pastime. For the uninitiated, the latter involves rounding up eight to 12 of your nerdiest friends and "drafting" individuals -- they can be baseball, football or basketball players, or, for irony aficionados, NASCAR drivers -- until you've got a virtual "team."

After naming said "team" something amusing (such as 2 Live Croutons), you then receive points each week, based on the stats those players accrue. You also robustly question your opponents' masculinity -- for it is invariably masculinity -- via online message boards.

Thus, in Fantasy Rock Stars, instead of touchdowns or home runs, your drafted team of divas, punks and indie-rock sacred cows racks up points for boneheaded press quotes, sex scandals, unseemly cover songs, violent altercations and onstage mental breakdowns.

Below is a rough scoring system. Consider it a work in progress designed to halt progress on your actual work.

Divas (Britney, Beyoncé, X-tina, Janet, Avril)

· Oversexed magazine cover (10 points)

· Subsequent disgust over exploitative nature of said magazine cover (20)

· Tryst with back-up dancer (50)

· Drastic new hair style (5)

· Ludicrously knuckleheaded political statement (15)

· Really bad movie (35)

· Breast-augmentation rumors (90)

· Publication of obviously ghostwritten novel/memoir (40)

· Stalker convicted (20)

· Oprah appearance (-15)

· Neptunes collaboration (-55)

· That-chick-from-4 Non Blondes collaboration (-60)

· "Wardrobe malfunction" (8,000)

Deified, Largely Inactive Old Bands (Led Zeppelin, the Pixies, Joy Division, Gang of Four, the Ramones)

· Threaten to reunite (20 points)

· Do reunite (100)

· Appear in public weighing three times what they did in 1985 (-50)

· Member dies (50)

· Cash-grab "new" CD/DVD/boxed set (35)

· Car commercial (75)

· Hot new band obviously rips them off (15)

· Terrible tribute album released (30)

· Terrible side project released (40)

· Hot actress publicly wears old tour tee shirt (25)

· Publication of tell-all biography (10)

· Rock-critic lamentation that "There will never be another ______" (5)

· Sampled by underground hip-hop dudes (55)

Rap Kingpins (50 Cent, Nas, Lil Jon, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg)

· Shot by someone (20 points)

· Shoots someone (40)

· Debuts clothing line (-15)

· Instigates corny feud (25)

· Sucks up to Suge Knight (1)

· Disses Suge Knight (5)

· Killed by Suge Knight (12,000)

· Changes name/persona -- a.k.a. "The MF Doom" (10)

· "Retires" (50)

· Criticized by Bill Cosby/presidential candidate/religious leader (75)

· Releases duet with new girlfriend (15)

· Lousy part in action movie (-25)

· Hot new track that is clearly an ad ("Pass the Courvoisier") (-250)

Rock Gods (Springsteen, Thom Yorke, Bono, Jack White, dude from Coldplay, Dave Matthews, Eddie Vedder)

· Pontificates at high-profile benefit concert (10 points)

· Scores cover of Time/Newsweek (100)

· Sexuality openly questioned (5)

· Gains sudden political consciousness (35)

· Lauded for saving rock/hip-hop/the children/the world (25)

· Disses George W. Bush (1)

· Abrupt conversion to Scientology (175)

· Assumes Jesus Christ pose (50)

· Has song in shitty romantic-comedy movie (-50)

· Names kid "Apple" (-600)

Wimpy-Ass Singer-Songwriters (Ryan Adams, Conor Oberst, John Mayer, modern-day Beck)

· ODs (100 points)

· Writer's block (10)

· Reverse writer's block (more than two albums in a year) (20)

· Dating actress (35)

· Dating Winona (75)

· Embarrassing cameo on The O.C. (30)

· Dies romantically (200)

· Photographed shirtless (5)

· Trashes hotel room (ironic) (-100)

· Trashes hotel room (sincere) (1,000)

· Compared in print to Nick Drake (5), Jeff Buckley (15), Elliott Smith (20), Gram Parsons (30), Elvis Costello (40), Bob Dylan (50)

Young Punks (New Found Glory, Sum 41, blink-182, the Ataris, Something Corporate, MxPx, Thursday, Thrice)

· Horrible cover song (10 points)

· Lyrical reference to band popular before singer was born (60)

· Contrived "bratty" behavior (2.5)

· Releases entire album about singer's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend (20)

· Publicly admired by old-guard punk rockers (40)

· Publicly insulted by old-guard punk rockers (80)

· Plays Warped Tour (0.0025)

· Refers to next album as "harder" (10), "bluesier" (20), "more psychedelic" (40), "acoustic" (80), "experimental" (-50), "electronic" (100), "crunk" (50,000) -- By Rob Harvilla

 
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