Dirty Doggy-Style

The last stand at the Black and Tan and buying panties at the Dirty Dogg Saloon.

Ever since yours truly arrived in the Zona, nearly everyone in P-town's clubland has had the Black and Tan on their lips. And, no I don't mean a pint of Guiness and Bass! I'm referring to the not-so-secret speakeasy, which has hosted bi-weekly Sodom-and-Gomorrah-esque after-hours par-tays, reportedly with underage cuties, bands, a cash-only bar and plenty of S&M-laced sex-play.

Finding it was like locating Beyoncé's boo-tay. Before the law changed to allow a 2 a.m. last call, those who wished to attend the B&T's soirees showed up at a particular nightclub around 1 a.m. where the caravan would decamp for that dingy den of iniquity. Certain citizens even received professionally printed "V.I.P." passes in their mailboxes, so there was no question that they were welcome.

More times than P. Diddy has diamonds, I was asked to attend the bi-weekly debauch, but only with the agreement that I never scribble about the on-tha-low bacchanal. Now, I may be just a whack-assed clubs columnist, but I'm still a reporter, yo. Even if I do go by the name Kreme. And if I can't write about it, what's the point? So I let it slide. After all, so many people had flapped their lips about it, I felt like I'd already gotten the grand tour.

I have to give props to the Black and Tan for outwitting the po-po for its nearly five years in existence, without hardly trying. I mean, the Gs who ran this establishment were about as discreet as scalpers at a Britney Spears concert. Not only was the Black and Tan listed on AZPunk.com for offering "free all-ages underground shows," but the popular online community MySpace.com had loads of references to it. Even one of the Black and Tan's security crew, a big bald dude by the name of Simon Rohrich, had posted photos from the club at the photo-sharing service Imageevent.com with his name and the title: "T&A at the Black and Tan." As this column goes to press, the naughty pics of partly-nekkid revelers remain there at http://imageevent.com/larjman/tandaatbandt.

I nominated the B&T for a Best of Phoenix award, slyly titled, "Best Worst Kept Secret." There was debate back and forth at New Times as to whether or not we should put it in, but ultimately we decided to because the B&T was about as hard to ignore as R. Kelly in a daycare center. I made sure only the initials and not the full name was used. And of course, we did not include the B&T's address, or the names of any of those associated with it. I expected the B&T-ers would dig the big-ups and the fact that we'd gone to extremes to honor them. Though they'd shied away from us covering their less-than-sub-rosa speakeasy, we didn't see any harm in this wink in their direction.

But soon after the Phat PHX best-of edition hit the stands, word on the street was that the Black and Tan was closing because of our BOP award. Tickets were distributed like the one you see here, stating that the last show at the "Black and Tan" was to be Saturday, October 16, "Thanks to the New Times." James "Uncle Fester" Bound, a longtime Black-and-Tan don, actually posted New Times' Best Of on his MySpace blog, cursed us for "outing" the Black and Tan, sputtering, "New Times is the Man, and they suck!! Tix for said event are available at the usual outlets." Well, first off, Jimbo, you can't out something that's already out. Secondly, we only used the initials "B&T," which could've meant "Bald and Tattooed," for all the friggin' squares knew. Anyway, hope you made out like a bandit hustlin' them drinks.

Simon Rohrich lambasted New Times in his MySpace page under the name "HyperGoon," wherein we see Rohrich dressed in full body armor, holding a broadsword. (Scary!) He states in his profile, "I work as a telecom technician during the day and a bouncer/private security at night." Previously, he related that he installs cable and stuff for Cox, that he has the hookup with Qwest, and that he can easily find out where one lives. Hey, take your best shot, Oswald! Check my man's feelings toward us New Times scribes: "My stomach turns at the thought of these people co-existing in my world. I consider them oxygen thieves. Humans who are so vile, I am insulted on a personal level, by the thought of sharing one part- per-billion oxygen molecules with them. Karma is a bitch."

So's stupidity and dumb-ass posturing, playa. But I guess you wouldn't be a doormat (uh, I mean, 'man') if you had much going on upstairs.

To reiterate for those lacking in brain cells (like Hypergoober), no one at New Times "outed" the Black and Tan. That's something Simon and Mr. Bound did better than we ever could. Damn, you practically drew a map right to your own door on this one. We meant no worry to the B&T, which is why we're only writing about it in full now that it's supposedly "closed." (Funny, if the B&T's Godfathers were so worried about post-BOP security, why one more night of revelry?) In fact, if I were a wagering man, I'd bet big scrilla that the B&T will never die. Like a bad rug merchant, it'll probably fake going out of business, only to reopen later with a different name or address.

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