Letters

Repugnant and fascinating: I found your article on Preserve A Life simultaneously repugnant and fascinating.

It reminded me of an old episode of Rod Serling's Night Gallery called "A Death in the Family," in which a lonely mortician secretly turns some of his corpses into the family he never had. When an escaped convict who stumbles onto his mortuary asks him why he's got a dead man sitting in a room all dressed up for a party, he replies, "Beats lying in a box underground, doesn't it?"

Personally, something like that wouldn't thrill me if I knew that someone in my family wanted to turn me into a moose head after I kicked the bucket, but that's my choice.

If the family of the deceased is comfortable with having a humidermied corpse sitting at the dinner table, then that's its business. Some people just don't say goodbye very well, and putting their loved ones through this process, on paper, at least, really is better than having them rot in a casket.

But more natural? Well, that would be in the eye of the beholder. As for me, I would rest more peacefully knowing that when I'm gone, I'm gone! Hey, isn't that what wills are for?
Darryl D. Brown, Phoenix

No law against it: Oh, sign me up for Preserve A Life. I want to be used as "Cold Ethyl" in Alice Cooper's concerts. I think Preserve A Life should add music to its home page like Alice's "I Love the Dead"!

Of course, there might be problems in California since Governor Arnold recently signed a bill making necrophilia illegal. Boy, about time, huh?!

But there should be no problem, as there is no law against looking at well-preserved dead people. Or dressing them up and putting them in a rocker. What a trend Norman Bates started! I haven't laughed this good in a long time.
Brenda Brubaker, Azusa, California

Morbid and hilarious: I just finished your story about Preserve A Life and found it morbid, tasteless and hilarious. It brought back images [from past New Times hoaxes] of football players saving turtles, people eating your paper for the alleged drugs in the ink, going to the mall to dig for gold, and so on.

You should take the entries from the contest [a drawing for one free future humidermy] and other correspondence and start a "Water Head File." It is my belief that this demographic would be of great commercial value. You know, bridges, lakefront property, etc. Keep it up! I need the laughs.
Jim Derby, Peoria

Truer words were never spoken: Here's some advice for Stephen Lemons: Stop writing. You're not funny.

It's bad enough that you have your own weekly column [Inferno] about you and your sidekick going to Valley clubs -- who cares?! But now you're getting to write a feature story? Yikes!

It appears as if all the other writers must have been on vacation so, in a pinch, the editor turned to you and said something along the lines of: "Yo, Kreme Dog, I need you to write something, and quick! We don't have a feature, and we have to get this to print by 4 p.m."

And you probably said, "What should I write about? More of my fat ass and my lesbo sidekick talking to morons at bars? That never gets old."

And then the editor must have said, "No, we don't want to give them too much of a good thing at once -- just make something up, instead."

That's the only conclusion I could come to, because I don't know how else any editor in his right mind would approve such a ridiculous and trite story.
Jeff Payne, Mesa

Laughing with us, not at us: A friend told me about this "Forever Yours" article the other night, so when I went to lunch at George and Dragon, I grabbed a copy. I seriously lost my appetite, but it was from laughter.

If this is a prank, as I'm hoping, I feel justified in laughing. If this is not an incredible Halloween prank, then I think my laughter is in shock and dismay at the state of our world today.

Here's to hoping this is not for real. Either way, solid paper you're running here in the Valley. Keep up the excellent work.
Lilli Eaves, Phoenix

Funny stuff: The "Forever Yours" article was the funniest Halloween joke I've ever seen! Thank you for the laugh. I even called the number in the ad to see if it was real, and the guy with the Vincent Price voice on the voice mail was classic. Very well done!

This was a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke so I can continue believing in humanity! It's a joke, right?! Right?! Heh . . . right?! We're devolving.
Darren McKenna, via the Internet

A big disappointment: I must say, upon picking up New Times, I was shocked to read the Preserve A life story. About the first page through, I said, "This has to be fake." But I continued to read. Finally, getting to the end, I was in a state of disbelief.