Wet Dreams

Our Dirty Phat Bastard rides solo at Shepherd's Super Soak-Her Sunday.

Mmm. Now that's a babe who deserves some male attention. I'd step to that myself, but as Jett's home nursin' her aching head, I've got to work the crowd more than usual. I mosey on over to a table near the entrance where Vince Lalor and his lady Mary Harrer are chillin'. Harrer's a gorgeous blonde who definitely doesn't look like she's just had a kid, but in fact gave birth to her and Lalor's son Gavin a month ago.

"This is my first night out of the house in any kind of club or bar," relates Harrer, 25. "Gavin's great, but I've got to get out every now and then for a little bit."

"Why did you guys choose here?"

"We met here, actually," explains Harrer. "We both used to work here. Vince worked the doors for four years, and I waitressed and bartended for about a year."

"Are you a bouncer somewhere else now?" I ask the muscular but easygoing Lalor.

"Nope. In fact, we just had the grand opening of the Arizona Center for Mixed Martial Arts on 19th Avenue, between Thunderbird and Cactus," explains the dojo master. "My partner's name is Mark Zee, and we teach professional cage fighters all over the planet. We start with Olympic judo and Thai kickboxing. And when they're ready, we start teaching them Brazilian jujitsu tactics, and then start competing them in amateur competitions -- Rage in the Cage stuff. I've been doing this work for 12 years. I have a black belt in Olympic judo, and in traditional Kodokan jujitsu."

"Wow, intense," I say. "So how do all these different disciplines stack up against each other?"

"In open tournaments, I'd say the Brazilian jujitsu and the Greco-Roman wrestling are dominant," says Lalor, 30. "The winners are the ones that strike and have good hand and feet combinations. But once they get ahold of each other, and end up on the ground, the person who has the better wrestling or jujitsu skills becomes dominant in that circumstance."

I find out Harrer, too, competes in martial arts, and has won a number of state championships. Lalor seems like such a cool guy that I may consider signing up to train with him, as long as he can show me some sumo moves.

After a while, Lalor and Harrer take off to relieve the baby sitter. I make my way back to the front, where the crowd's gettin' thick in anticipation of the soaking spectacular about to ensue. While I'm grabbing another drink, I strike up a confab with James Brickhouse, a buff black gent who's wearing a tee shirt that reads "If size doesn't matter, then why am I so popular?"

Brickhouse, 33, tells me he's a club promoter. His Club Menage caters to the swinging lifestyle, but for a younger set, instead of all the old fogies in town who're into the whole wife-swapping thing.

"I market to couples and bi-girls, mostly," says Brickhouse. "We just try to bring like-minded individuals together in a comfortable setting. Everybody always meets somebody. Of course, you can only get so crazy at the club, but most of the time, we'll have an after-party at a hotel or somewhere."

Jett'll be happy to hear that, according to Brickhouse, there's a "strong base" of bisexual girls in the Valley, and hundreds turn out to his events. Depending on where they have it, the cover might be anywhere from $15 to $20. But the venue changes, so Brickhouse says to read Playtime, one of the local skin rags, and look for the Club Menage ad (it's posted only before he's about to host this sexually charged soiree).

I look to the front of the bar, and the contest is under way. A girl wrapped in a towel is traipsing toward a tin tub. She gets in, and two other chicklets (clothed) pour pitchers of water over her again and again, until there's just a bare minimum of wet cloth separating us all from her butt cheeks. After the process is repeated several times with various girls, the judges rate the ladies from one to 10, like Olympic judges. You can see from the pics here and online that the audience gets dangerously close to the action. A foxy brunette named Charlie (judge her attributes for yourself) is the ultimate winner, though the real winners are horndogs present.

At the end of it, all the gals dive into the tub and rub against each other. Dear God, what a beautiful sight! See what you missed, Jett?

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