Space Crash Course

Beam me up, Becky

NT: Crop circles! If spacemen are so advanced, what are they doing making circles in wheat fields? Why not a 90-foot-high list of demands, or a giant laser bomb?

Hardcastle: Because once you get into this knowledge, you begin to revisit ancient ways of knowing. If you look at a universal language that anybody can know, it's math. Sacred math. Go back and read the loaves and fishes story, and all of a sudden it has different meaning. If every civilization had a language that we all could understand, it would be the language of measurement, geometry and shape. If you want to transmit a message, that's the language you would use: a shape. Like a crop circle.

NT: I want big, scary technology. Not some little green man with almond-shaped eyes.

Hardcastle: Oh, I love that little green man thing. There's always been a connection between mythology and ET. One of the premises of my work is the connection between ancient myth and the little green man.

NT: And don't forget the anal probe.

Hardcastle: That comes up every time. And it's certainly a possibility. There's a woman who's written a book that takes all of the clichés -- anal probes, alien medical examinations, all the different things that happen when people are abducted. And she writes about psychic teleporting -- there's a government contract out on that!

NT: The government is using teleportation? Why are they keeping it secret?

Hardcastle: They're not! Look on the Internet! It's all over the place. But I don't get all emotionally invested in whether or not there's a conspiracy going on. If I want to know something, hello! I go to Google, and I always find something about it. I'm just not invested in government cover-ups. Right now I'm trying to understand Mayan history and of course The Da Vinci Code and how it all relates to extraterrestrial life. Oh my goodness! I don't need any more to think about.

NT: How do we know you're not a crackpot?

Hardcastle: I just gave you my résumé and my course proposal. I know what I know, and I'm comfortable admitting what I don't know.

NT: I recently interviewed Santa, and he was telling me all about going down chimneys and delivering toys all over the world in one night by conflating time. Is Santa an alien?

Hardcastle: Mm-hm. Santa Claus is originally a shaman. Of course he would talk about that. Santa is how I originally got into this whole field of study -- I started reading books about shamans.

NT: What about George Bush -- is he an alien? Because that would explain a lot.

Hardcastle: Well, I'll say this: There's a long history of presidents and UFOs. If you read up on it -- Jimmy Carter talked about having a sighting during a presidential meeting. Our leadership talks about it! Right now, I don't care to confront my government and say, "How dare you suppress this information?" It's all out there.

NT: Rebecca, take me to your leader.

Hardcastle: I can't! (Wild laughter.) My leader is inside of you!

E-mail robrt.pela@newtimes.com

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