Muscle Bound

Ab flab? Resolve to dissolve

NT: Wouldn't it be easier to just take steroids?

Csatlos: Of course. And even if you're training poorly, on steroids, you'll still put on some muscle. Quickly! If that's all you want to do.

NT: That's my plan: steroids, liposuction, and one of those Suzanne Somers Ab-Buster thingies.

Csatlos: Unfortunately, people want to believe they can lose the eight or 10 pounds they gained over the holidays by just rubbing some piece of plastic between their legs for five minutes. It ain't gonna work. But if everyone were to wise up and just not eat boxes of Christmas cookies, I'd be out of business. Just losing weight isn't healthy. Unless you're eating properly and exercising, you're in trouble.

NT: If exercise is so good for you, how come every time I do it I feel like I have to throw up?

Csatlos: Maybe you're working out too hard.

NT: I assure you, that's not the case.

Csatlos: Well, it's not uncommon for people to barf when they're working out. When I owned a health club, I had what I called the Puke Bucket over by the squat rack. These are the things I don't tell people when I'm trying to get them motivated, you know. It's hard to get someone motivated by telling them, "I squatted 800 pounds and I was puking in a bucket!" They're running for the hills.

NT: How often did you empty out that Puke Bucket?

Csatlos: Oh, once daily.

NT: So it just sat there all day with puke in it.

Csatlos: It was a happy little gym.

NT: What's with body shaving? And don't tell me it shows off a guy's definition better. I mean, it's just creepy.

Csatlos: Oh, no, no, no! It does show off your definition better! That's the reason for it. If you work so hard at sculpting and defining and lifting your brains out, you want to show it off. It's like having a Mercedes and never waxing it.

NT: I'm sorry. It's just weird.

Csatlos: I guess it's a personal thing. When I was bodybuilding, I used to do it. I still shave my arms, but my wife won't let me do my chest anymore. Does that sound bizarre? If you were ever at that point where you were putting on a lot of muscle, you might just change your mind.

NT: Yeah. I'll keep you posted. It still seems like liposuction would be a lot easier.

Csatlos: It'll get you to look healthier, and it's a short, easy way to do it. But if you get all the fat sucked out, there you'll be with all your flesh hanging off your bones. Personally, I don't think that's attractive.

NT: Do clients hit on you?

Csatlos: Oh, yeah. I had an ex-Las Vegas showgirl call me once. I took the equipment into her house, and she led me into this giant bedroom, with a sliding pole and a mirror over the bed. And I heard this little voice: "Kev, she's gonna hurt you bad." It was a pointless workout. The second workout, she answered the door in a black body stocking and high heels. She said, "Why don't you leave the bench in your van. You're not gonna need it today."

NT: Shocking.

Csatlos: As worldly as I am, when it comes to women, sometimes I'm completely ignorant when they're making moves. I think I know what's going on, but then I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and getting kneed in the nuts.

NT: How come you only see people in Scottsdale and PV? If you're a mobile trainer, it seems like you could go all over. Are you only interested in keeping the Beautiful People beautiful?

Csatlos: That's . . . yeah. Yeah.

NT: What about the rest of us poor slobs?

Csatlos: (Laughs.) Sorry.

E-mail robrt.pela@newtimes.com

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