By Monica Alonzo
By Stephen Lemons
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Dulce Paloma Baltazar Pedraza
By Ray Stern
By Pete Kotz
By Monica Alonzo
By New Times
"I did a day there for DUI," says Miller. "My girlfriend here [meaning Rude] supplied me with some Imodium so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. Basically, I just chilled for 24 hours. I did see a dude get beat up for a pack of cigarettes, though. And this was the DUI tent, not exactly hardened criminals."
Henry's story was best, because he was thrown in lockdown for speaking out against Arpaio.
"I was only supposed to do two or three days, but I ended up doing nine days in lockdown because of it," says Henry, whose Cali style of talking reminds me of "the Dude" in The Big Lebowski. "Sheriff Joe was doing a PR piece for some news station. He was a dick. I asked him, 'How come I read in the New Times that you're going over budget year after year?' And he denounced me as a hippie, and said I must be homeless because I read New Times."
Like they still say in Cali, that's bogus.
We thank this quartet of coolios for the confab, and move on down the rows to Kristopher and Natalie, who're tearin' up a lane together. Natalie's a cutie who's studying Spanish at ASU, and Kristopher, a buff fella who works as a pharmacy technician now, wants to go back to Sun Devil U. to get his Ph.D. in African-American history. As he happens to be wearing a red sweatshirt that reads, "Sober," I inquire whether he is.
"Nah," he says, grinning. "It's for the cops."
"That's a good idea," I respond. "Because with that, five-o might figure you for a member of one of those Christian men's groups."
"So who's winning tonight?" interjects Lady J.
"He's kicking my butt," divulges Natalie. "This is our first time for cosmic bowling. But he's bowled more than me."
"So, Natalie, do you know a lot of Spanish slang?" I ask.
"Well, I've been studying Spanish for 11 years," she says, shrugging.
"Okay, let me test you. What's a sucia?"
"It's kinda like calling someone a 'ho,'" she translates. "A dirty girl."
"Heh-heh, those guys 'Da Nutz' on Power 92.3 are always using that one. What about conos? I think Snoop uses that one, like, 'Get your conos in the lo-los.'"
"I don't want to repeat that!" she cries in mock horror. "Basically, it's like saying 'cunt.'"
"Well," I say. "I need you around when I'm listening to music."
Suddenly, Jett nudges me and whispers in my ear, "Two hot bitches at four o'clock!"
I turn my head faster than Michael Jackson as a busload of Cub Scouts passes by, and I do indeed see two fine squirrels over at the next lane suckin' down some brews. One's a brunette named Michelle, and the other's a blonde named Rachel. Jett, in full lezbot mode, compliments Michelle on her shirt, a brown tee with a pink cow and pig that reads, "I love carbs."
"I got it from Mervyn's, actually," responds Michelle. "I just bought it today. You guys are the first to say anything about it, and I thought for sure everybody would be going like, 'Yay, carbs!' because of the stupid Atkins diet."
"Take a look at him," says J-lowbrow. "'Carbs' is his middle name."
"And suciais hers," I sputter back. "Are you a student, Michelle?"
"I was at Mesa Community College for the last year and a half in biology, but I'm not going this semester," she replies. "I'm changing my mind about that whole school thing."
"Maybe you could be a model," purrs the Jettster.
"I don't know what I'm doing yet. I'm coming up with a new plan. It's in the making," she says.
"How 'bout you, Rachel, are you a student, too, or do you work?"
"I'm a mother of two," she says proudly. "I have one who's 8, and one who's 2."
"Hey, these don't look like regulation footwear," comments the Jettster, ogling Rachel's open-toed shoes.
"I'm just hanging out tonight. I got my toes done today, with stones on them," she says, wiggling those rhinestoned piggies. "Cost me $50, so I don't want to ruin them."
"Very nice," I say. "Anyone tell you that you look too young and attractive to be a mom?"
"Sometimes I get that. I'm 26, actually. I live right down the street in Tempe. But this is my first time here. I like to smoke, so I like to go to the other cities," she says, referring to the Tempe smoking ban.
"I smoke, too," leers the J-Unit. "But only after sex."
"Change the batteries in your vibrator next time, Jett," I smirk, "and maybe you won't have that problem."