Battle Acts

Bands: Chicago/Earth, Wind & Fire
Date: Saturday, August 27
Venue: Cricket Pavilion
Ticket Price: $20-$65
Selling Point: These horn toads are survivors. Chicago survived the exodus of Peter Cetera, the fall of jazz rock and many insipid David Foster ballads. EW&F survived guest appearances on Phil Collins albums and that Sgt. Pepper movie with the Bee Gees. What Egyptian god is protecting them?
Disclaimer: Since both outfits have dozens of hits between them, this show is not recommended for the incontinent '70s nostalgia buff.
Possible Concession Item: Pretzels twisted into the shape of the Chicago logo.
Possible Grand Finale: The two bands have a "Dizzy Gillespie vs. Stan Kenton" grudge match to the death.

Bands: Dave Matthews Band, and Slightly Stoopid
Date: Tuesday, August 30
Venue: Cricket Pavilion
Ticket Price: $20
Selling Point: These two bands have redefined adult alternative. Now it REALLY sucks!
Disclaimer: A year ago, the DMB's van dumped 800 pounds of liquid waste on a cruise liner, giving new meaning to the term "poop deck." The band members want it known that they have since eliminated the middleman (their driver) and now bring their human waste directly to you!
Possible Concession Item: Slightly Stoopid Smart Drinks.
Possible Grand Finale: Dave encourages the throng in the cheaper seats to play Musical Lawn Chairs while he and the band noodle interminably.

Bands: ABC, Colin Hay (of Men at Work), English Beat
Date: Wednesday, August 31
Venue: Celebrity Theatre
Ticket Price: $27.50-$45
Selling Point: '80s flashbacks have nothing to do with acid and everything to do with saxophones. ABC was considered a successful VH1 Bands Reunited, but the English Beat, which had twice as many original members, was not. Damn you, Aamer Haleem!
Disclaimer: Dave Wakeling once canceled an English Beat/General Public/Human League tour to open up for Hootie & the Blowfish. Hmm, someone's not down with the '80s.
Possible High Points: All three bands join onstage and decide to which side of the house Colin Hay's lazy eye is looking.
Possible Concession Item: Ever eat a Vegemite sandwich? Those who've sampled bread and tar can check yes!