Battle Acts

Battle Acts for week of September 29 through October 5

Battle Act: Green Day

Where & When: Wednesday, October 5, America West Arena, $37 to $42.50

Strongest Selling Point: They've scored a career milestone by claiming American Idiot is "the first punk rock opera." Somewhere, Meat Loaf is furiously mopping his brow!

Disclaimer: "Don't wanna be an American idiot" goes a long way to explaining Billie Joe Armstrong's still phony British accent. Oi!

Hot-Selling Merch Item: "Jesus of Suburbia" ringtone (goes on for nine minutes)

Possible Grand Finale: Green Day does that Live 8 version of "We Are the Champions" -- this time on-key!

Battle Act: Seal

Where & When: Tuesday, October 4, Mesa Arts Center, $48 to $80

Strongest Selling Point: He hasn't had a real big hit since "Kiss From a Rose." Unless you want to count bagging supermodel Heidi Klum.

Disclaimer: His facial abrasions were not caused by ritual scarification, a motorcycle accident or getting punched while wearing glasses. Most fans enjoy the "getting bitten in the face by a wolf" story, though.

Hot-Selling Merch Item: "Seal Face Spackle" (also comes in "Bryan Adams Peach")

Possible Grand Finale: Seal acts out "Kiss From a Rose." First it snows, then his eyes become large screens so the light that you shine can be seen. You get the idea.

Battle Act: Trisha Yearwood

Where & When: Thursday, September 29, Mesa Arts Center, $47 to $77

Strongest Selling Point: This is her first concert appearance since Garth Brooks proposed to her in front of 7,000 people. Maybe he'll show up tonight and ask if she'll go for a three-way.

Disclaimer: Legitimizing an alleged extramarital affair by getting married? That just ain't new country! Marrying and getting annulled in four months is more like it!

Hot-Selling Merch Item: Beer watered down to taste just like "Georgia Rain"

Possible Grand Finale: Good-hearted Trisha actually distributes Kleenex to the folks in the nosebleed seats.

Battle Act: Mötley Crüe

Where & When: Wednesday, October 5, Glendale Arena, $39.50 to $69.50

Strongest Selling Point: People who look fat and old in spandex and bandannas have somewhere inconspicuous to go. Unless their name is Vince Neil.

Disclaimer: White-faced midget jumping out of a box at start of the show is not Mick Mars. And Vince's reality-TV makeover doesn't rule out choking prostitutes.

Hot-Selling Merch Item: "Mick Mars Colostomy Bag" (doubles as hands-free beer pouch!)

Possible Grand Finale: In place of a dumb drum solo, University of Nebraska freshman Tommy Lee fields difficult calculus problems from the audience.