By Melissa Fossum
By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
How do you like to apply your makeup?
Eyeliner, eyeliner, eyeliner! (2 points)
I'm a dude, dude. Makeup's for queers. (0 points)
White foundation with black eyeliner and/or red/black lipstick. (3 points)
When you open your closet, what do you see?
Khakis and Ralph Lauren polo shirts. (0 points)
Black band tee shirts with tiny holes in them and a black trench coat. (1 point)
Black (the same color as my empty soul), with fishnets hanging from a hook behind the door. (3 points)
Your CD collection consists of:
Heavy metal, death metal, and rock bands. Party on, dude! (0 points)
Dark, ambient music makes my heart sing. Did someone say trance? (2 points)
What a stupid question! (1 point)
Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney, man. Have you heard the new Brooks & Dunn? (-1 point)
Where's your favorite hot spot?
At the club, with industrial noise keeping me on the dance floor. (2 points)
As far away from people as I can get, so fuck off! (3 points)
Lurking in a cemetery, crying because my parents didn't name me Louis. (1 point)
Moshing at a Marilyn Manson concert. (-2 points)
You spend your weekend afternoons (score for each selection):
Watching anime. (1 point)
Who cares about this fucking question? (2 points)
I'd answer, but I'm on my way to play D&D. (1 point)
Shopping at Old Navy. (-5 points)
Recovering from Friday night's art show -- damn you, absinthe! (1 point)
What's your attitude like?
Sigh, I hate everything. (2 points)
Leave me the fuck alone! (3 points)
I'm singing from mountaintops! (0 points)
Jesus Saves. (-1 point)
When was the last time you read a book by Anne Rice or a comic book by Neil Gaiman?
This quiz is interrupting one, in fact. (3 points)
Sometime in the last few months. (2 points)
I saw the movies, including that shitty one with the dead singer. (1 point)
Aren't Anne Rice books about gay vampires, dude? You're such a queer. (0 points)
1 to 8 points: Welcome to Moderate America.
9 to 10 points: You're what's called a Poser Goth. Return the foundation to the Marshall Field's makeup department and stop trying to piss off your parents.
11 to 14 points: You're a Functional Goth. Basically, you dig the scene, but, hey, a guy's got to work, so the makeup is only for after the closing whistle blows.
15 to 19 points: Your boss thinks you're weird but do your job well so he looks the other way, while your parents think you worship Satan and might be gay. Congratulations, you've been ostracized by society.
20 to 22 points: Oh my goth! Check your pulse, Prince of Darkness -- we've got a winner.