Gomer, You're Fired!

Our feathered fiend bombs Trump-haters, racist soccer moms, Uncle Joe and the ACLU. Who's gonna be next?

Resistors will be hauled off to the poky, posthaste, as if we don't have enough small-potatoes miscreants living in Tent City already.

Remember when Arpaio wanted to stop every car headed into Maricopa County and search it for drugs? He was shouted down for that insane idea, and he should be shouted down for this one. But who besides this feathered fiend is gonna have the stones to do it?

Asked by TV news boobs why he's instituting the bold new policy, The Bird's favorite breaker of minor lawbreakers bellowed, "We're number-one in the nation for identity theft!" Which is apparently meant to explain to the morons who keep electing him why thumb-printing traffic violators is a good idea.

New column alert: The Bird has little control over his excretory functions, so look out above.
Mike Maas
New column alert: The Bird has little control over his excretory functions, so look out above.
The Donald
Fred Harper
The Donald

The sheriff would've made it big in the old Soviet Bloc (last time The Bird checked, good Amer-cuns don't cotton to Big Brother gettin' in our shit for a traffic beef). Arpaio's policy means that if you throw a cigarette butt out the window of your car, you can be asked for prints. And if you refuse, Charlie Manson, it's the slammer for you, freak! Uncle Joe Stalin would've loved Uncle Joe Arpaio.

Joke, why not just require fingerprints from every citizen at birth? Everybody's a potential criminal, right? It would save a lot of time and tax money if pediatricians just took care of that right after they snip the umbilical cord.

Also, just how's Arpaio gonna connect the dots between, say, reckless drivers and identity thieves? The Bird's gonna go out on a limb here and bet its birdseed supply that 99.9 percent of those Joe fingerprints don't turn out to be identity thieves. Which means his dumb-ass idea will cost taxpayers money for nothing. Which's nothing new for him.

When Arpaio's jive-ass plan was first implemented last February, the thumb-print nonsense was optional, thanks to some bellowing from the local ACLU. The ACLU's interim director, Dawn "Will Somebody Get That, Please?" Wyland, didn't bother to return The Bird's several phone messages concerning this latest announced intrusion. And County Attorney Andrew Thomas' office isn't about to intercede on behalf of concerned motorists since, according to special assistant county attorney Barnett Lotstein, "this isn't our thing."

The Bird would've liked to have Wyland talk about what an idiot publicity-monger our sheriff once again is being. But since she wouldn't (no wonder people hate the ACLU -- its Phoenix staffer isn't even forthcoming with those of us who want to be friendly), this avian has no choice but to feather out on its own what's wrong with chaining up motorists who won't submit to KGB tactics.

What Arpaio's doing is a violation of a citizen's right to privacy! It's not done by any other law enforcement agency in the United States. You know why? Because other heads of police agencies don't subscribe to the policies of former Soviet regimes, like Uncle Joe Arpaio. And even if you don't care about any of that (in other words, if you're not a good Commie-hatin' Amer-cun), do we need any more lawsuits against the county because of Arpaio's moronic attempts to foster his tough-guy public image at any cost to those of us who pay his bills?

Sheriff, we get it: You're bad to the arthritic bone! Can you please move on with what's left of your misspent life? Bottom line: Stop costing us taxpayers so much money, or . . .

(Remember that Alfred Hitchcock movie, Joke?) The Bird's gonna land atop your toupee and peck off your stupid face. Got it? Good! (Okay, okay, this is a desperate attempt to scare the bug-eyed geezer, but nothing else has worked.)

And about the local ACLU, the only thing more insulting than Arpaio's latest stupidity is the snotty outgoing message you get when you telephone Wyland's office. The Bird suggests you call the ACLU (602-650-1967) right away, before somebody over there reads this and rerecords the greeting! Don't worry, you won't get a live person on the horn; these pinkie-extended local ACLU pussies are too busy laughing at the little people to actually answer the phone.

The Bird's favorite bit from this canned "greeting" goes: "If you're calling regarding an employment matter, please do not bother (exasperated chuckle) to write us."

Don't worry, doll, with that tone of voice, no one will! In fact, nobody will call or write you for any reason. And won't that be just perfect, because you won't be able to make many cases without sympathetic witnesses coming forward. And Commie-imitating cowboys like Arpaio can do whatever the hell they please.

What The Bird's chirping is, keep hiding out, Dawn. Because even your rhetoric against Arpaio's stupid fingerprinting idea is nothing but talk. There's not a chance in hell that a fainting flower like the local ACLU would make a big enough stink about it to make him stop. That is -- if recent history's any indication -- actually sue him into submission.

Candy and Condoms

Speaking of beaks in the air, The Bird would like to apologize to the folks in its snooty neighborhood at whom it squawked insults from its front perch on Halloween night.

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