By Melissa Fossum
By Lauren Wise
By New Times
By Amanda Savage
By Jason P. Woodbury
By Troy Farah
By New Times
Battle Act Simple Plan
Where & When Friday, November 18, Marquee Theatre, free
Strongest Selling Point Time is money, so in order to get TWO FREE TICKETS, you must demo the new Samsung n330 phone and endure a long, hard sell from Alltel Wireless or participating dealer. In keeping with the fiber-optic theme, Simple Plan will phone in its set!
Disclaimer The spring tour with Good Charlotte did not lead to the bands fusing and canceling each other out, which the scientific community was counting on.
Most Nagging Musical Question "Why do u try to make me jealous, why? why why why?"
Possible Grand Finale The Plansters contradict themselves by encoring with "Still Not Getting Any."
Battle Act Survivor
Where & When Friday, November 18, Fort McDowell Casino, $20
Strongest Selling Point One-hit wonder band reinvents itself as funny shills for Starbucks. Yet the coffee giant still refuses to carry any Survivor CDs. Damn you, Norah Jones!
Disclaimer Survivor actually placed 17 other songs in the Top 100. Each will have you looking at your watch wondering when they're gonna play "Eye of the Tiger."
Most Nagging Musical Question How much of winning is "the eye of the tiger" versus "the thrill of the fight"?
Possible Grand Finale The band finds an audience member named Glen and follows him to the craps table after the show, bleating out his name to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger." We're telling ya, it never gets old!
Battle Act Olivia Newton-John
Where & When Friday, November 18, Mesa Arts Center, $40-$70
Strongest Selling Point A real survivor, she's outlasted breast cancer, protests over an Aussie winning a Country Music Award, roller disco movies, and the first pop aerobics album before either Jane Fonda or Richard Simmons.
Disclaimer She honestly doesn't love you. Unless maybe you've sat through Xanadu more than once!
Most Nagging Musical Question "Have you never been mellow? Have you never tried?"
Possible Grand Finale If the Shake Shack malfunctions during sound check, expect Olivia to get physical by actually beating Cancer (a male dancer in black body stocking) into remission with a cricket bat.
Battle Act GWAR
Where & When Tuesday, November 22, Marquee Theatre, $16-$18
Strongest Selling Point Just when you thought safe sex couldn't get any weirder, along comes an intergalactic barbarian with a giant prosthetic penis dousing you with 20 gallons of washable body fluids!
Disclaimer The band's had so many personnel changes that the parts of "Fat Slut" and "Balsac the Jaws of Death" are now played by abductees from Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camps.
Most Nagging Musical Question "How's things at the ol' manure factory? How's little Tofu? What!? She grew another head?"
Possible Grand Finale At the stroke of midnight, GWAR commemorates the 42nd anniversary of the JFK assassination. Bring your gray matter ponchos.